Shannon's Life

Laurie's Questions

2008-10-21T20:29:00.001-07:00

Laurie and I send questions back and forth to learn more about each other and about ourselves - here are some of my answers:

1. In the perfect world I would be working at a market research firm doing analysis - or doing forecasting - somewhere that I could look at data (already collected) and make decisions about it! As in, sell more of this, advertise more to this demographic, stop this area as it's not profitable etc. That's really what I would love to do. I am happy where I am living, and living with Dominic. So I guess the only thing I wished right now is that I was already working. I really don't like having such inconsistency in my life (I can't imagine if I had graduated in May without a job!! goodness) ... I'd even be happy starting at Accenture already and just getting that going - and hopefully loving it. I'm happy in Colorado these days - although I don't expect to stay here forever. But at this point it's just easier here - know people - having family - that network is already established. And I love my apt! :) I do wish we had a cute cozy house though - but the apt thing is fun to experience.

2. I don't think I feel 22 at all...maybe 28...as in mentally a little more ready to settle down than normal 22 year olds, wanting children and to start that life. I want to be at that point where I know what I want to do and am working towards that job. I don't like being new to something, and that is all this post-graduate feeling is. But of course I am pretty carefree these days (minus my crazy addiction to worrying about money/jobs/etc) but it is nice that I am able to relax.

3. If I had a million dollars I would sit around and listen to people's stories. Why they tick. Who influenced them. The things that bother them. The path their lives have taken and where they want it to go. And why. And their personal beliefs and why. ETC. I really think I should become a counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist in my later life. I would do it for no money. Anything to surround myself with those amazing stories - everyone has them, they just need someone to give them the time to listen.

Another Set:

1. I am so beyond passionate about ending child and domestic abuse in our society. I feel like it comes from emotional stress as a child, and that comes from bad parenting, it's just a vicious cycle. I wish some people weren't able to have children because they just destroy them, emotionally, physically, psychologically. I've noticed parents show their love through material things and that is extremely unhealthy! I want to help women get out of dangerous situations, get their children out of those situations, teach men that they need to find another way to communicate their frustrations. There are so many healthy ways to "blow off steam" than hitting a woman or child. I wish men were more communicative and emotional, I honestly think that society has conditioned men to push away those feelings, and thus they never really deal with those emotions and then don't know how to communicate it. Anywho, the moral is, I can see myself becoming involved with a group that helps alleviate domestic abuse.

2. Things that make me feel better...music would probably be first. For as long as I can remember, music has been there to cheer me up. Not necessarily the lyrics (although sometimes) but more of the passion that comes through the sound just fills my body with joy. Listening to music will always be how I make myself feel better about something.

Things that other people can do to help - just talk to me about whatever's going on. Usually half way through the conversation I'll realize how silly it is and start to feel better and change the subject to something more positive. Hearing about other people's lives will also cause me to get excited (or at least forget about what's going on with me).

Crying is something else I do to make myself feel better. Some people think that crying isn't a good thing (and that I'm 'overreacting') but in reality it's the way I deal with things, let them release from my body. I generally feel better after a good cry. After that hard bawling, the tears slowly dry and the world is a little brighter. It's extremely therapeutic for me.

I Would Die Without...

2008-10-21T20:25:00.001-07:00

1. Music
2. Mental stimulation via discussion
3. Passion - in myself and seeing it in other
4. Challenges

Music calms me down. Excites me. Connects me with others. Makes me cry. Soothes my emotions. Makes me not feel alone. Helps my soul.

Having discussions that broaden my horizons, teach me one more thing, challenge me on one idea, are what makes my world go 'round.

Speaks for itself. Without it I'm lost.

Constantly being challenged to become a better person and to make others better is what keeps me going some days. Why I do this or that. Why you do this or that. The more I understand about myself the more interesting it is to see how I function...and WHY.

That's all.

I’m a Hypocrite

2008-09-22T14:38:00.000-07:00

I can’t quite remember when the jealousy started – if it was pre-cheated or post-cheated but somewhere it got a little ridiculous.

When I’m in a relationship – I’m selfish and don’t want Him to speak to any other girl.

It’s silly.

And completely irrational.

So now – the hypocritical beauty of this – I have tons of male friends. Some attractive. Some with similar interests. Some who are flirty. Etc. And I am not interested in any one of them. I would never want my significant other to worry just because we have a friendship and enjoy each other's company– and when I say He shouldn't worry - he should believe me wholeheartedly.

But for some reason I can’t stop thinking about a relationship inevitably forming between a boyfriend and any woman that he sees repeatedly.

Again silly. Irrational. Selfish. i know.

I may know why I do this. In the relationship that I was cheated on in – I still was jealous – but the one girl I actually wasn’t worried at all about was in fact that woman that he cheated on me with. Which potentially demonstrated that unless I worry about it – something will happen. All subconsciously of course.

I find myself worrying about those interactions far more than I should – which is a huge waste of my time. Although of course it’s easier said than done. After no interest in confirmed – that should (logically) be the end of any worry or wonder.

My fear isn’t of cheating anymore, thanks to a decent human being. But I do have this fear of two people getting closer and closer and finally ending the relationship with me so that they can be together. It’s a silly thing because if He finds someone that is better for him than I am – of course we should no longer be together. But damnit that’s a difficult idea to honestly be okay with.

I don’t want to be like this. It’s irritating. Pointless. But I don’t know how to stop. And I’m a hypocrite to make the situation even better.

My Thank You

2008-09-09T23:04:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I read my own blog to inspire me to write more – looks like it worked this evening.

It’s difficult for me to share some of the things in this blog with people. I can have very insecure moments, and a lot of trust issues, and sometimes I think that those who will read this have ulterior motives. If I have personally sent you this link that means I trust you and believe that you are a good soul. Thank you for helping build that trust with me.

I don’t believe that there are many of you left in this world –and that really sucks. Maybe one day I will be corrected – but thus far I would say it’s 70/30 for bad/good people, if that. To me, bad means fake people…inconsiderate people…malicious people…immoral people…negative people…self-centered people…unreliable people…shitty people.

You are the good people I know – those with substance, passion, compassion, interests, and you take the time to see into my soul. Thank you. That means a lot to me that you would take the time to read about something completely unrelated to you – that’s rare.

Thank you Matt.

Thank you Sam.

Thank you JP.

Thank you Dominic.

Thank you Melissa.

Thank you Laurie.

Thank you Johnny.

Thank you Maranda.

You are the few. Thank you all for instilling my trust in you – it’s apparently extremely difficult to do :) - I'm working on it.

Discovered PostSecrets

2008-09-07T12:13:00.000-07:00

Every Sunday a new set of secrets appears on the PostSecret Blog Website and every Sunday I save the secrets that somehow or another affected me. Some I relate to. Others I cry for. Frank Warren really created an amazing concept and I encourage you to investigate it for yourself. PostSecret is an ongoing community mail art project in which people mail their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. I haven't submitted any secrets yet, but I'm working on one.

Please check out my new blog where I have posted some of my favorites...

I know who I’m going to marry

2008-08-25T00:04:00.000-07:00

For the purpose of this post “marry” = spend the rest of my life with

Alright – now I may continue…

Yup – it’s decided – I’m going to marry Dominic Graziano.

Scary thought I know. The basics: I’m 22 years old. We met on August 25^th, 2004 (exactly 4 years ago). We have dated on and off (but mostly on) for those past 4 years. September 16^th is our made up “anniversary” date. Every moment we were not a couple there was something deep inside pulling us back into each other’s arms. He is my best friend.

I’ve always wondered how you’d just know – and be able to make that type of commitment. How if one (or even both) person changes whether or not the relationship will still work, still be as strong. And of course there is no way to know that for sure, but I’ll tell you what I’m damn sure of:

I know for a fact that every moment I meet someone else I immediately compare them to Dominic and analyze what I like and dislike about that person. Every single time Dominic comes out on top – without any significant challenge. That says something about this surreal human being.

I know for a fact that if Accenture surrounds me with a different type of person, if that then makes me a different person, and ultimately makes me think for even a second that Dominic is not the right person for me…that I will come back to him. I always have. He is the only person in this life who seems to truly understand and accept me. Of course there are millions of people I have not met (nor given a fair chance) but when I have the person who does that sitting right next to me, why on earth would I ever need to go somewhere else. Dominic has a combination of qualities that I have never see in someone else – or anywhere close. There’s an invaluable honesty and bluntness that is extremely hard to find in a friend – nor able to accept when hearing it from his/her lips.

Times like these I wish I was a better writer – as I am having difficulty accurately conveying the way I feel.

The moral of all of this is – damnit – Dominic, you and I will be together forever. We have to be. That’s just the way it is going to work out. We need each other. We compliment one another. We challenge each other. We inspire each other. We understand each other.

When no one understands our petty arguments. When no one understands why we fixate on certain things. When no one understands why we talk about everything. WE DO.

There is nothing in this world, that right now as a 22-year old woman living in Denver about to embark on her first career, that I could fathom would break us up. We are strong and passionate. And that’s all we need. And all I need to know.

I’m a WHAT?

2008-05-07T21:20:00.000-07:00

College Graduate? What? Nah..That’s just for grown-ups/adults/big-kids and I am in no way that…

I’m 21 years old. Tonight was my last Deltasig meeting. Tomorrow is my last class. One week from today is my last final. And 1 ½ weeks from now I will be an official graduate of Colorado State University with a degree in Marketing and General Sociology. WTF.

I remember the last few years in Deltasig looking at the characteristics of these people who were graduating: Mature. Established. Inspirational. Confident. Knowledgeable. Old. Put-together. Casual attire at the last meeting.

I look at myself and do not see these similarities. The facts just don’t match up. All the words that describe a “college graduate” and a “21 year old” I cannot apply to myself. My brain just doesn’t know how to grasp this concept that I am now part of that group. I look in the mirror and I see the same woman I’ve seen for the last 6 years staring back at me. Not someone who has experienced so much in her life. I notice my vocabulary when I speak is far more sophisticated, when the hell did that happen? When did I establish a wardrobe that I have had for the past 4 years? My goodness—wtf.

Of course I’m excited about all this extreme life changing, but I don’t feel capable of internalizing this. Maybe it will come as I complete my last final. Or as I walk across the stage at graduation. Or when I move my stuff to Boulder or Denver. Or when classes start back up in the fall and I do not plan to attend them. Whenever it does happen I know that I will have no regrets about the amazing experiences I had thus far.

So- in the spirit of appreciating my experiences, I would like to list the 10 top experiences of my college career:

Laying in bed and bonding with Laura on cold snowy days in our dorm room
Going for hella-long walks with Dominic around campus expanding my soul
Becoming President of Delta Sigma Pi
Getting to know the amazing faculty at CSU
Staying up until 3am talking with the most amazing people I have ever met
Watching the full moon
Building a phenomenal 4-year-bond with Amy and Melissa
Watching the pledges at initiation as Jr. Pledge Educator
Crying with Monica at Formal
Hearing that I positively impacted Delta Sigma Pi

Each of these experiences surrounds building those connections with people and I will treasure them for all eternity.

So to you Mr. College, it’s been incredible but I am not sad to leave. Instead proud of my experiences and eager for the future. And.....I’m off.

Fuck (sorry Mom)

2008-04-16T22:15:00.001-07:00

You know what I’m scared of..fuck….I’m scared of all THIS:

I’m scared to change my entire lifestyle. I'm scared to “test” Dominic and my relationship to that extent. I’m scared to live in an apartment in Denver. I’m scared to take the bus everyday to and from Denver. I’m scared to have responsibility. I’m scared to fill out serious paperwork for Accenture. I’m scared to endure that steep learning curve. I’m scared to come home to an empty house. I’m scared to fight with Dominic. I’m scared to fail. I’m scared that everything I expect may not be quite what it is. I’m scared to leave my currently “successful” life. I’m fucking terrified and clearly don’t know how to handle it.

Crying Is How You Know

2008-04-05T23:58:00.000-07:00

So for the past four years I’ve been trying to figure out what ‘true love’ is and what phrases like ‘meant to be’ ‘perfect for each other’ ‘soul mates’ etc. Etc. ETC mean.

Well. I think I have a theory on what love is, and what true love is, and how you know you found that special person.

There’s something that happens to me when I think about the two person in my life that I honestly don’t know how I would live without…I cry at the thought of the possibility that one day they may not be here anymore. So indicator one…crying! But the good kind of cry. The kind of cry that comes from the depth of my inner most being and is unstoppable. In fact, if I was an actress I think that is the way I would be able to cry on cue..just think about the possibility of losing my mom or Dominic.

Now, how does one decipher what this ‘perfect for each other’ and ‘soul mates’ words mean. To me it has absolutely nothing to do with if we enjoy all the same things, think the same things, call each other at the exact same time, have the same major, have the same birthday (yup, some people I know really think this is an indicator of true compatibleness), or any other superficial bullshit that really doesn’t mean anything. I’ve decide that it’s about having common passions in life.

My passions are

1. Being mentally stimulated on a daily basis

2. Owning my actions and understanding why I do the things I do

3. Surrounding myself with music

4. Learning about life

5. Being real

The last one may be a tad confusing, so to me, that combines a few of the other passions I have and it takes knowing who I am and being okay with that. I’ve learned I do not have a “business-personality” and when I’m in an environment that challenges me to act that way, I am not being real. When I allow my real personality to come out, that is me being real. That genuine excitement, that sincerity, that Shannon.

Dominic is the closest to matching all of those passions that I have ever come across…far closer than anyone. So no we aren’t both business majors, our thoughts on money and lifestyle and ‘success’ are extremely different, we were brought up on almost opposite sides of the spectrum, I tolerate his music and he mine, I love chick flicks and he likes crappy movies, etc. Generally our thoughts on children, marriage, cities to live in, etc are similar, but in the end I believe that it’s about the bigger things, those passions that I mentioned that truly

But damnit I cry when I think about him. And that’s enough for me.

The other night he said something really real, he said that “it’s pointless thinking about if this is ‘as good as it gets’ because it implies that we’re settling. What’s important is that we’re both happy, so why would we ever wonder if there is something better.” I like that.

I don’t know where the future will take us. Or if I’ll have the pleasure of spending the rest of my life with him. Or if we’ll live happily ever after. But goodness gracious, I couldn’t ask for someone better to help guide me to become my true self.

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this Dominic, and it’s not like any of this is new to you, but every moment we share is so precious to me, and wherever life may take us…these memories will help guide me to the life that I deserve.

Seeking Passionate People

2008-04-05T01:41:00.000-07:00

It’s 2:30am right now. I haven’t written in months. I write when I feel inspired.

Looks like I’m feeling inspired.

What will I write about? I used to write when I was having problems with my relationship, but there are no problems there, and if there were, I certainly wouldn’t be wasting my time writing when I could be talking to him.

Maybe I’d like to talk about the people I respect in this world…the few personalities out there that I do. That personality is: open-minded, considerate, passionate, insightful, interested to learn, reflective, confident…real. If someone is real, meaning they know who they are and have accepted that. I don’t give a shit if we disagree on subjects, but know why the hell you believe something before you go and waste everyone’s time preaching about it. Goodness I hate that. Be able to look at yourself from the outside and understand why you do something that way.

For example, I’ll own up to something right now: I have been cursed with migraines (certainly not as miserable as others have) and it completely destroys me every time I have one. It’s not that I can’t see straight that bothers me. It’s not that when the left side of my face goes numb the feeling is unbearable. It’s not that the throbbing pain cripples me. It is the fact that I have completely lost all control over my life for whichever period of time the migraine would like to take over for. I have a very controlling/dominant personality, so when I’m in an environment where I do not have a strong sense of control, I completely break down. The worst part is when I live my life feeling like I have this annoyance under control and it occurs again, it’s even worse than before. So—my point—I know that it is not the pain that bothers me about having the migraines, it is the lack of control over my life at that point in time. And THAT is the skill that I value in others, that ability to see what is going on deeper than surface level in the situation.

I appreciate people who have interests different than mine, I feel like we can bring new realizations to one another. I long for individuals who can begin a conversation beyond basic surface-level-bullshit in a matter of minutes. That is what life is all about, and I thank that handful of people in my life who have given that to me.

I would like to name some of those people who have provided me that feeling..and if you didn’t expect to be on my list know that you really did make an impact on me: Dominic G, Matt G, Dan W, Melissa S, Joe E, John G, Kristyn C, David P, Heike M, Amy D, Stephanie P, Levi L, Tommy M, Dan B, Mom, Dad, Laurie H, Lara C, Gretchen D, Alisha Z. I know I forgot some of you, and I truly apologize. But please come up to me, say “damnit Shannon, I thought we bonded that one time—and then I’d like to bond again and I promise 1. You will be added to this list and 2. I will never forget the impact you had on me again. My challenge to you—you better do it!

Alright—well my inspiration is slowly fading. I heard some amazing music tonight. I would die without music.

PostSecret

2007-12-09T20:05:00.000-08:00

This is an incredible website and it literally sent chills down my back as I read some of them.
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

This probably meant the most to me because this is exactly how I felt all summer. Yes, it was a great experience, but in the end this is EXACTLY how I felt at the end. "Meaningful" means very different things to different people, and to me, that meant I will not do retail and I will not put myself in an environment where I am working 'closing shifts' and hate going to work--and some days over the summer I didn't want to go there.

Sad.
I feel this one...sometimes one's time could be spent doing something more productive in my opinion.

And this is how I feel and hope every day.

There are a lot of other photos I really liked but I don't have the patience to upload them all. So just check out the website...

Music and my soul

2007-12-06T22:26:00.000-08:00

Nothing can truly sooth me and excite me at the same time as music. And here are some of the lyrics of the songs that completely move my soul.

Ben Lee: "Love Me Like The World Was Ending"
This is the first day of the future,
And all i want is you.
I wear a pair of socks you left here.
But i know, i know, i know, nobody could ever fill your shoes.
I can see so clearly when your smoke gets in my eyes.
Please me with your promises and hurt me with your lies.
Baby can you hear the message i am sending?
Love me like the world is ending.
This is the last day of existence.
And all i want is you.
There's a certain sadness.
But i know, i know, i know, the sky is what makes the ocean blue.
I can see so clearly when your smoke gets in me.
Please me with your promises and hurt me with your lies.
Baby can you hear the message i am sending?
Love me like the world is ending.
And they all say to pour it has to rain
So don't complain if we get wet in the deep end.
I can see when your smoke gets in my eyes.
Please me with your promises and hurt me with your lies.
Baby, can you hear the message i am sending?
Love me like the world is ending.

Ben Kweller: "Thirteen"
We've been in the rain
We've been on the mountain
We've been round the fire

In fancy hotels
Drank water from farm wells
We sang with the choir

I kissed your dry lips
We jumped off the high cliffs
And splashed down below

Skin to skin
In the salty river
Made love in the shadow
Woooah ooh

Read books to each other
Read the mind of the other
Flew one thousand (jets?)

We laughed and we cried
At movies and real life
In our ridiculous beds

We danced in the moonlight at midnight
We pressed against back doors and wooden floors
And you never faked it

And frequently
We ignored our love
But we could never mistake it
Oooh ooh

We met on the front porch
Fell in love on the phone
Without the physical wreck

You gave me the necklace
That used to hang
Around your mothers neck

We questioned religions
Fed bread to the pigeons
We learned how to pray

We stood by the ocean
Turned our hearts in to one
We laid in bed all day
Heeey

We skipped on the sidewalk
Skipped stones on the water
We skipped town

We've seen the sunrise with new eyes
We've seen the damage of gossip and true lies
We've seen the sun go down

Had passionate makeouts
And passionate freakouts
We built this world of our own

It was in the back of a taxi
When you told me you loved me
And that I wasnt alone

Mandy Moore: "Gardenia"
Well, I put so much thought into getting ready
Now I know that was the best part
It's so easy to get caught up in what I'm regretting
Forget what I got from a wounded heart

I'm the one who likes Gardenia
I'm the one who likes to make love on the floor
I don't want to hang up the phone yet
It's been good
Getting to know me more
I've been seeing all my old friends in the city
Walking alone in Central Park
Doing all the things that I've neglected
Traded 'em all in
To be in your arms

Well, I hear my own voice
Sounds so silly
Keep on telling my story all around
Everything I lost seems so different
Well, this is how everybody gets found

The Wood Brothers: "Chocolate on my tongue"
Sittin' on the front porch
Ice cream in my hand
Meltin' in the sun
All that chocolate on my tongue

And that's good enough reason to live
Good enough reason to live

Sittin' in the bathtub
Hi-fi playin' low
Diggin' all that green
Well you must know what I mean

And that's good enough reason to live
Good enough reason to live

If I die young
At least I got some chocolate on my tongue
If I die young
'Least I got some chocolate on my tongue

Sittin' in the front seat
Good girl in my arms
Smilin' in my eyes
Gettin' me all hypnotized

And that's good enough reason to live
Good enough reason to live

If I die young
At least I got some chocolate on my tongue
If I die young
'Least I got some chocolate on, chocolate on my tongue
If I die young
At least I got some chocolate on my tongue

Garth Brooks: "More than a memory"
People say she's only in my head
Gonna take time but I'll forget
Say I need to get on with my life
What they don't realize

Is when you're dialing 6 numbers just to hang up the phone
Driving cross town just to see if she's home
Waking a friend in the dead of the night
just to hear him say it'll be alright dapslyrics
When you're finding things to do at night, not fall asleep (?)
Know she will be there in your dreams
that's when she's
more than a memory

took a page to everything she ever wrote(?)
watched every word go up in smoke
tore all her pictures off the wall
that aint helping me at all

'Cause when you're talking out loud to nothing but air
you look like hell and you just don't care
you're drinking more than you ever drank
and sinking down lower than you ever sank
then you find yourself falling on your knees
shaking your fist, begging "please"
that's when she's
more than a memory

People say she's only in my head
Gonna take time but I'll forget
but when she's in every minute of every day
every thought i think
every breath i take
she's everywhere and she's everything
she's more than a memo

So the main reason I love these songs is because of their passion. Not all of these songs represents feelings I have experienced, but regardless, goodness they are spectacular. Poetic. Insightful. Earth-shattering. And each song holds a very special place in my heart. When I'm feeling depressed I can lay on my bed, with songs like this blasting and everything just stops. The drama stops. The insecurities stop. My anger is released. My tears are released. My soul shakes.

I feel lost...and found

2007-07-19T15:49:00.000-07:00

So this summer has really taken a toll on me. I'm out of my comfort zone 90% of the time, and that's been beyond difficult to deal with. I have a job in Longmont, Colorado. Doing something I don't particularly enjoy. Surrounded by people I don't particularly relate with. Wake up at a time that requires me to head to bed at 9pm. Wake up before the sun comes out. I'm taking an online class which I can never quite catch up in. I don't want to care. But I do care. Come 'home' to a place I don't really feel at home. Go to my actual home and still don't feel home. Be with people that I don't generally feel like I can be myself around. See my best friend maybe once a month. Feel like myself maybe 30 minutes a day. I feel trapped. I feel lost. I feel out of control. I feel like I'm being watched. Being judged. I've neglected people. I've given people the wrong idea about me. I don't feel understood. I don't feel like 'me'. I don't know what to do.

None of this is anyone's fault but my own. And much of this is just my interpretation. I need to give these people the chance to see who I really am and accept it. My personal priorities took over this summer, and those priorities were work and school, and that's what killed my summer. It wasn't the people around me. It was me. So hopefully I can start feeling like me now that I've realized that. Life isn't so difficult, it's just me being all pessimistic about it. Way for me to realize it now, with only a few more weeks of summer left. But hey, I realized it at least right?

So now I'll start being more optimistic, and not take life so damn seriously.

Words of Wisdom

2007-06-28T20:40:00.000-07:00

So every once in awhile when I'm going through something difficult I start talking to someone randomly and they come up with such a great way to explain my situation and explain it in such a way that all my fears go away. This is an example of one of those times:

"Love is like a car and doubt and worry and fear are like dirt and grime, and engine gunk and electrical problems...sometimes the love wagon just has some worry dirt and the engine grime of fear and the electrical worry problems... with time and effort, they can be fixed and that car will run like its supposed to and despite the problems, the car is always there (love wont fade, just some clarity is needed)"

Good stuff. That's all. Thank you to he who wrote this.

Wedding Jitters

2007-06-15T21:38:00.000-07:00

No. I'm not getting married.

Now that I've gotten that out of the way...

I just went to a wedding. Of two very good friends of mine. They are absolutely perfect for each other, and they are going to be so unbelievably happy, from my point of view. But what do I know. What do any of us know about that 'right person' and those who 'just know' that they have found the person they are going to marry. What if I found mine at 15, or 16 or 17 but disregarded him because we were so 'young'? Or what if I am currently with the person I am meant to be with. All that stuff really freaks me out! Just how can anyone be so sure of who they are, and who they WILL be, and what 'forever' really means. It's just a scary thought, that I I realized this evening.

I was driving to the wedding this afternoon, and it hit me:
You spend your whole life thinking of something. The proposal goes perfectly. The ring is beautiful. The wedding plans begin. The wedding dress is picked out. The wedding plans are finished. And there you are, two hours before you are about to walk down the isle and pledge the rest of your life to one person. I'm not one that's afraid of commitment, but goodness that terrifies me. I just don't know how I could ever be THAT sure about something. And so confident. And so grateful that life has worked out so perfectly. And with the divorce rate, who knows anymore. Marriages don't last forever. Maybe that's a good thing because people are getting out of them instead of wasting their lives with the wrong person. But how do we know who that person is? How much work in a relationship is TOO much work? And how much is not enough? Where does that balance come from? and ah. Just how do you know.

Now that I've gotten that out of my system. :) Woohoo for weddings! They are so beautiful and inspirational. That there's such a strong love out there to be felt. I'm lucky because I have experienced love, and know how much stronger their feelings must be than anything I've ever felt because I'm nowhere near the point to devote my life to another human being. But I could one day be. And when that day comes, when I know without any doubt in my mind that I am meant to spend the rest of my life with this one person, to have children with this one person, and to grow old with this one person, that will be truly incredible and surreal!! And I will be the luckiest woman in the world.

My Two Sides

2007-06-13T20:55:00.000-07:00

So I've realized that there are two sides of me. That isn't a bad thing, or at least I don't believe it is, and it's just the way it is. My two sides are the girly girl side and the deep side.

"Girly Girl Shannon": I like to giggle at stupid things, run around, care about what others think of me, get warped into gossip, this is basically the shallow side of me. I'm not sure how I feel about this side. On one hand, this is who I am, and I accept that. But on the other, I don't know if I like being this person. It seems silly to care about celebrities, read tabloids, gossip about others, and judge others. *Don't get me wrong this certainly isn't the dominant side of me, but it does tend to appear now and then with certain people.* So I think the point of writing this is for me to see that I don't like that side of me. By self evaluation (although VERY public self criticism) I can really see what I want to change. Another thing about this side of me, this is the side that I get stereotyped as a lot. Just by my appearance I am expected to be this way. And I like proving people wrong, because side two of me is my dominant side.

"Deep Shannon": I like talking about life. Analyzing myself and others. Talking about things that really matter in the world. Making connections with anyone and everyone who is willing. Talking about real things. Not how much you drank this weekend, because I could really care less. I want to have conversations about the world, politics, societies, financial hot buttons, advertising, moral issues, natural disasters, and all kinds of things that I believe solidify my beliefs and understanding of the world, and myself. I want to spend hours taking walks. Start a conversation with "how do you feel about..." and see where it goes from there. If you're one of those people (besides Heike, Dominic, Dan, Tommy and Matt) then let me know! Because I'd love to have one of those conversations with you. It's such a great way to learn more than you ever expected. Those conversations open my eyes to how others are, and how they view this complex world. We all know how we feel, it's time we challenge each other, and see who is worth connecting with.

Thank you to everyone for including me in some of those conversations. Even last week I went to a going away party and was shocked by the conversation. We talked about 911, Columbine, Michael Moore, and all kinds of other topics that made me think! I was happy to not resort to the topics about school, or movies, etc. So thank you to Larissa for that experience! And all of you who have challenged me, I'm the person I am because of all of you, and I'm forever grateful for that.

I Believe

2007-05-09T17:44:00.001-07:00

I believe-
That we don't have to change
friends if we understand that friends change.

I believe-
That no matter how good a friend is,
they're going to hurt you every once in a
while and, you must forgive them for that.

I believe-
That true friendship continues
to grow, even over the longest distance.
Same goes for true love.

I believe-
That you can do something in an instant
that will give you heartache for life.

I believe-
That it's taking me a long time
to become the person I want to be.

I believe-
That you should always leave loved ones with
loving words. It may be the last time you see them.

I believe-
That you can keep going long after you can't.

I believe-
That we are responsible for
what we do, no matter how we feel.
I believe-
That either you control your attitude
or it controls you.

I believe-
That regardless of how hot and steamy a
relationship is at first, the passion fades and there
had better be something else to take its place.

I believe-
That heroes are the people who do what
has to be done when it needs to be done,
regardless of the consequences.

I believe-
That money is a lousy way of keeping score.

I believe-
That my best friend and I can do anything
or nothing and have the best time!

I believe-
That sometimes the people you expect to kick you when
you're down, will be the ones to help you get back up.

I believe-
That sometimes when I'm angry I have the right to
be angry, but that doesn't give me the right to be cruel.

I believe-
That just because someone doesn't love you the way you want
them to doesn't mean they don't love you with all they have.

I believe-
That maturity has more to do with what types of experiences
you've had and what you've learned from them and less to
do with how many birthdays you've celebrated.

I believe-
That it isn't always enough to be forgiven by others.
Sometimes you have to learn to forgive yourself.

I believe-
That no matter how bad your heart is
broken the world doesn't stop for your grief.

I believe-
That our background and circumstances may have influenced
who we are, but we are responsible for who we become.

I believe-
That just because two people argue, it
doesn't mean they don't love each other, And just
because they don't argue, it doesn't mean they do.

I believe-
That you shouldn't be so eager to find
out a secret. It could change your life forever.

I believe-
That two people can look at the exact
same thing and see something totally different.

I believe-
That your life can be changed in a matter
of hours by people who don't even know you.

I believe-
That even when you think you have no more to give, when a
friend cries out to you - you will find the strength to help.

I believe-
That credentials on the wall do not make
you a decent human being.

I believe-
That the people you care about most in
life are taken from you too soon.

And that's that. oh, and ps, i didn't write this, but it's too amazing not to share with the world.

The things people say...

2007-05-09T17:43:00.001-07:00

Before I start, some clarification: these thoughts weren't sparked from one conversation with one person, nor did they come from the conversations in the past 24 hours, but honestly:

why do people say the things they say?

We live in an interesting world where, although we may feel otherwise, we do trust a lot of what people say. Think about every judgment you've ever made about someone, and regardless of if that judgment was right or wrong, you thought something about someone and probably never told them. It's interesting to think about all the things that people aren't telling you. In relationships, or friendships, or everyday interactions. It's very easy to act like you like someone, and unfortunately for the person who is disliked, they will never know. The trust is still there though. We trust that people are telling us EVERYTHING, where it takes deep conversations to even touch on all the things they have been thinking that weren't ever brought up. New relationships are like that, in a fun way, but that secrecy still exists. It sometimes takes months to hear about what was going through the other person’s head that first night you sat next to each other, or anything else equally as corny.

So the point...we trust so much of what people say and everyone has so many secrets.

This isn't some pessimistic rant about people lying to me or anything close to that, but it's just interesting because the more you get to know someone, the more secrets you find out. Like how so-and-so liked you when they first met you, or so-and-so was so nervous on your first date. It's a truly wonderful thing when you have a conversation where all those lovely secrets come flying out.

and that's that

Finally

2007-05-06T11:01:00.000-07:00

So I have gone through life with a certain level of confidence. A level that doesn’t exceed that of others, and yet a level that could, and should have, been a lot higher. In these last two weeks my confidence has finally reached the level that it deserves to be at. The level that I deserve to have. Now, why was my confidence ever that low? Its probably a combination of things, and for those of you who ACTUALLY know me and aren’t just randomly reading my blog, you know that I love to analyze others, and myself, so this is the best analysis I could come up with:

Great childhood, great parents, great ‘friends’ in elementary school, alright ‘friends’ in middle school, horrible ‘friends’ in high school, and one phenomenal friend throughout everything. Now…we can all remember growing up, all the insecurities that comes with it, and imagine one day as a high school freshman (the peak of all insecurities) receiving a note from all your ‘friends’ telling you that they haven’t liked you for two years, and that you’re not a good person. Well sure enough, that happened to me. My ‘friends’ were horrible people that used me to make them feel better about themselves. I’ve convinced myself that after 6 or so years, I have forgiven them, but you know what, f*** that. Why should I allow anyone who would do something like that to me be part of my life? Doesn’t make sense when I have phenomenal people around me who have NEVER done something even remotely close to that. So there we go. The break of all confidence and trust in other people. Why do you think I’m a Sociology major? To understand those when they aren’t telling me the truth. Anyways, the crash and burn of my confidence happened that freshman year day.

I was part of the IB Program in high school…so I was constantly around 40 other people who were as smart as could be, and didn’t even have to work hard at it. I would go to class, take notes, record the classes, study for hours, and still getting a f-ing C on the test. Whereas my peers wouldn’t study, wouldn’t come to class, or if they were there they wouldn’t take notes, and they would get As on the test. The insecurities continue. Lots of nights thinking I wasn’t good enough, thinking that I would never be as ‘smart’ as these people around me, and unfortunately those 4 years of high school have created a complex I have about my intelligence. I hate it when people doubt how smart I am, because that is how it’s been my entire life.

But then I received my IB diploma and everything started to change.

I finally felt good enough, equal with my peers. It didn’t matter what our score was specifically, all that mattered was that I received the same recognition as every other person who I had compared myself to for so many years. I did it!

For the last two years in high school I had the same boyfriend. The typical ‘high school love’ and I honestly thought I was going to marry him. Stupid high schoolers I know. So, the ‘perfect’ relationship was quickly ended by him cheating on me. I went on my graduation trip to Mexico with 6 other girls, many of them having boyfriends, many of them cheating on their boyfriends, and here I was being faithful while he was cheating on me back in the States. I’ve forgiven him. Because of the relationship I have been in for the last three years I am able to look past those events because, it truly doesn’t matter anymore. I know I will never date him again, and my life is so much happier without him as that part of my life, so forgiven. But again, a lovely bust to the already shaky confidence. My insecurities about trusting people increased because here was another person in my life that I thought I knew and understood, that had completely screwed me over.

And then life started to rebuild itself, and I am still, thankfully, on this path. One of trust, commitment, honesty, communication, and no deception and cheating! Thank God! My best friend has helped me become comfortable with who I am. Be excited for me when my life goes down the right path. And she inspires me everyday. I love you Heike. My boyfriend of three years has helped me trust someone on an intimate level again. Know that if anything happens we will effectively communicate about it. He has changed my life. I love you Dominic.

So, two people that I have been blessed to have in my life. Who haven’t screwed me over like MANY of my friends from my past. They have helped me embrace who I am. Encourage me to fight for the things I want. And just be the person I am here to be. These two people inspire me and make me feel alive.

Now, what has happened in the last two weeks has changed my life. I am in a yearlong course PLP (President’s Leadership Program) that is a group of elite students who were picked from a group of 150 after a rigorous application and interview process. We meet to learn about ourselves, others, and this is the most incredible group of people I’ve ever been around in college. These students care about themselves, care about success, care about CSU, and are extremely active on campus. It’s a room full of RAs, organization leaders, and students who are very active in the community. They want to make a change, and to even be associated with such an amazing group made me feel extremely fortunate.

So, beginning of my amazing week: We had the Closing PLP Banquet where all the students from Years 1 through 3 attend (I am in Year 3), as well as all the Instructors, some Alumni, and representatives from businesses that sponsored the program. So this is a full room of people. Our instructor from this past year will be retiring at the end of the semester, and she has, also, completely changed my life. This class has given me so much insight into the world, and specifically into who I am. She has taken the time to meet with me, talk to me about life, and give me advice. In honor of her, the other two instructors created an award to give to one student from the Year 3 class. This award would carry on her name, and be given to one outstanding student each year. The way that student is chosen is by an application and nomination that his/her fellow students fill out and submits. From there, a board chooses the best student. The award is specifically titled: Barb Kistler Award for Ethical and Mindful Leadership. I received this award! The first recipient of the award. An award that was given to me above all my fellow students whom I admire more than anyone. Me! I basically bawled on stage. I couldn’t even handle it, just cried, and cried, and cried a little more. I felt so lucky, and so recognized. It was an amazing night.

Part two of my amazing week: I am part of a co-ed Professional Business Fraternity that I am very passionate about. This past semester I was Senior Vice President and I feel like I really grew throughout that experience, and wanted to continue that growth. So I ran for President, and won! I am the first female president in two years, one of the few who was elected who weren’t a graduating senior, or was previously VP of Pledge Education, which made the feeling even stronger. So there we go, I am now President of Delta Sigma Pi. Whew, I’m gonna rock it!

Part three of my amazing two weeks: I received Brother of the Year from an Alumni Brother in Delta Sigma Pi.

For the first time in my life, I actually feel truly recognized for my hard work. And that is an amazing feeling. I feel like I deserve this recognition. I feel fortunate for this. And I won’t mess it up!

Looking back at 2006

2007-05-06T11:00:00.001-07:00

A little recap of the past year...

1. What did you do in 2006 that you'd never done before?
Felt independent

2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
I believe my New Years resolution was, AGAIN, to better my vocabulary, and again, it didn’t happen. So I think I need a new one. My biggest goal is to run the Bolder Boulder with my mom this year.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?
Nope.

4. Did anyone close to you die?
My grandpa died last December, and that was the hardest thing I’ve had to deal with.

5. What countries did you visit?
Nadda.

6. What would you like to have in 2007 that you lacked in 2006?
I would like to control my stress! I haven’t been able to truly achieve that yet, but one day it’ll happen.

7. What dates from 2006 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
End of May: it was when Dominic left for his internship.

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
Getting a 3.8 something this semester with 6 courses (18 credits) and being Jr. VP of Pledge Education for Deltasig

9. What was your biggest failure?
Wasting time realizing things I already, deep down, knew.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
Haha, um, let’s say no.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
An I-pod! That may have been at the end of last year, I didn’t buy a whole lot this year. I bought a really great pair of Gap jeans.

12. Whose behavior merited celebration?
I know some incredible people; I was overwhelmingly impressed with JD, Dominic and Heike this year.

13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
A boy who I thought was better than he ended up being. Actually, a couple of those.

14. Where did most of your money go?
Since I didn’t have a job the fall semester, definitely just basic living took all my money. Oh, and buying pizza every MWF in the Skeller.

15. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
Being Jr. Pledge Ed, and now Vice President. And, of course, Dominic.

16. What song(s) will always remind you of 2006?
Bouncing Souls “The Day I turned my back on you”

17. Compared to this time last year, are you:
a) happier or sadder? About the same I suppose, but let’s say a little happier!
b) Thinner or fatter? Thinner apparently.
c) Richer or poorer? Waaayyyy poorer, hence why I’m home in imaginary town working.

18. What do you wish you'd done more of?
Slept. Relaxed. Bonded with Heike. Appreciated life.

19. What do you wish you'd done less of?
Complaining. Crying. Stressing.

20. How will you be spending Christmas?
With my mom, dad, brother and extended family in Washington D.C.

22. Did you fall in love in 2006?
A couple times, all with the same guy.

23. How many one-night stands?
A big ole ZERO.

24. What was your favorite TV program?
The O.C., Scrubs

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?
Um. Hate isn’t a good word, but there are a couple of friends of mine that I don’t really have a need to interact with anymore. They aren’t the people I thought they were.

26. What was the best book you read?
The World is Flat was actually REALLY interesting!

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
Ben Lee.

28. What did you want and get?
I guess I didn’t really want a whole lot, I’m pretty satisfied.

29. What did you want and not get?
Same.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
The Holiday!

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
I turned 20, and I was in California with my grandma and we had an incredible dinner in San Francisco right on the water. Absolutely beautiful.

32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
Nothing, it was a good year. Sure, everything wasn’t perfect, but with all those bad things I was able to focus on how lucky I am when I do finally get them.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2006?
Really, really comfortable and relaxed. Good ole Deltasig t-shirts, ripped jeans, converse shoes.

34. What kept you sane?
Heike, Dominic, my Mom, Melissa, Jerrod and JC. And some sleep and crying.

35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most?
Whatever the guy who was in “John Tucker must die” is freaking HOTT!! That’s all I got. Good and shallow.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?
Gay rights, I wish people would just chill and realize that there are lots of different people in this world, and it’s time we start accepting them.

37. Who did you miss?
Laurie.

38. Who was the best new person you met?
JC. Getting to finally know Jerrod was great. A lot of new Deltasigs!

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2006:
Everything always works out in the end. Oh, and COMMUNICATION is so important!

40. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
“And frequently
We ignored our love
But we could never mistake it”

- Ben Kweller

Peanut Butter, Black Lace and Sweat

2007-05-06T10:59:00.002-07:00

I love: pencil skirts, high heels, ripped jeans, deodorant, makeup, car keys, diamonds, southern accents, underwear, sleeping topless, Oreos, laughing till I snort, a guy putting his hand on my lower back, driving stick, feeling devious, being blunt, drinking beer, flirting with people I shouldn't be flirting with, shaking my ass when I walk, turning the music up loud enough so when I sing I sound as good as the artist, jumping up and down with my best friend Laurie at the Reel Big Fish show, marshmallows, being sore after working out, eye contact (wedding crashers 'Dude, she just eye fucked the shit out of me'), movie quotes, mascara, tongues, feeling flexible, making out on the floor, popping my toes, PDA, slapping Dominic's butt, hair strengtheners, running hugs, kisses on the cheek from good girlfriends, dancing 'till my side hurts, slipping and catching myself before anyone sees, having e-mail, black lace, having fantasies, Jason Mraz's song Curbside Prophet, getting butterflies when someone walks in the door, being inappropriate at appropriate times, hickeys, gossip magazines, riding in a fast car, dirty talk, giggling, picked flowers, sharpie markers, live music, peanut butter out of the jar, Pillsbury cookie dough, analyzing people, driving in fog, good music, push-up bras, Todd from wedding crashers, Red Robin, being visually overwhelmed when too many hot guys are around me, getting letters in the mail, being nervous to call someone, procrastinating, feeling beautiful in the morning, salami, being complimented, kisses in the oval, Lucky Charms, cell phones, questioning life, being in love, feeling sexy, Dominic's smile, pinstripes, piggyback rides, etc.

I hate: bad drivers, people with obnoxious laughs, bad breath, drunk guys, people who don't say bye before they get off the phone, chest hair, sponge bob square pants, girls who shave their arms, spending 1+ hours getting ready, cocky guys, people who don't give country music a chance, people who will do stupid things for money, tripping on the stairs, no parking zones, people who power trip, watching myself say stupid things, merging on the highway when people don't move over into the left lane, driving from larkspur to castle rock, guilt trips, drunk girls, expectations, getting junk mail, feeling lazy, smelling my own sweat, having cold feet, feeling depressed, not being able to find my chapstick while I'm driving, jealousy, hardcore porn, scream-o music, when people don't listen to me after they ask me a question, feeling a stray hair on the back of my arm, being hungry but knowing that I just ate a lot, being sore from not doing anything athletic...

If you ever wanted to know WAY more about me than you did--you now do! Hope you learned something.

I love to cry

2007-05-06T10:59:00.001-07:00

I love to cry. Something so free, something so intimate, personal, and yet so unbelievably relieving. Crying doesn’t have to be bad—it can represent this world of emotions that are bundled up inside and just need to be released. Like right now, I just got back from a full day, a good day, and yet I am crying. Might be crying out of boredom, insecurity, contentment, longing, or the fact that I just read something so wonderful, something that was so surreal yet made me focus on the realism of my life at the same time. I love to have things to love. I love to smile. “I love how a simple thing such as a smile or a hug can motivate us to be better people, even if it’s just temporary motivation” a quote of someone who was once part of my life. What a great way to word that—and it’s so true. How is it true? I think we all strive for that emotional contact—and smiling and hugging is how that is achieved. I love to compliment others. I love to look at others and see that split second it takes for them to recognize me, and then watch their faces fill with happiness. I love to hug. The arms just know where to go, how to connect. The head has a perfect place awaiting its return, and longing until its next encounter. Why can’t everyone hug? As a hello and goodbye. Some do. I do with my family, but not many friends. I did with boyfriends, sometimes close girlfriends. But I always feel awkward to ask for a hug. I want the whole world to hug. To all be able to enjoy that closeness whenever.

I want honesty out of life. Why can’t everyone be honest? Honest about feelings, whether they be good or bad, honest about…well…reality. Competition has taken over mankind that we are stuck in this world of ‘what do I have that is better than what he has.’ I’m exactly the same way. Constant comparisons: I dress better than she does, why did he pick her to date over me, why does he get to be so happy when I’m so miserable? All these questions run thru my mind daily, and yet I claim I want these to rid in our society. I love falling in love. That moment where you realize you look forward to the moments involving them each day. The days where you can’t go 10 seconds without thinking of them. When I get to smile randomly because of a perfect memory. Those perfect kisses. The nose kisses. The cheek kisses. The top of the head kisses. The soft kisses. I love to hold hands. When just two fingers are touching, or when my index finger sits inside his palm. When he opens the car door for me. When he leaves me notes—so simple and yet makes my day that much better.

Love is something I strive for. I’m lucky to have been one of the few to have experienced it twice before the age of 19. That’s rare. I love to be inspired. The realization that there is far more to me and my ideas in this world. When I can sit for hours with someone and learn how they look at life differently, and how I can better myself from those discussions. I’ve learned who I am. Just by a discussion. I have been able to make personal decisions about my future, my relationships, and my own independence. I’ve been given the amazing fortune of family and friends. Never once have I been lost without either of those to encourage me. I need people. I need those smiles. Those laughs. Man I love to laugh. When I lose control and snort. When I fall over laughing. When my abs hurt. When all else is forgotten and all I care about is how happy this feeling inside me is. Man, laughing is incredible. What a surreal and unexplainable feeling laughing is. That is what gets me from day to day. When I can think of a memory and begin to laugh. When I sit in class and just start laughing randomly.

I wonder what life is supposed to be about. I think it’s laughing and smiling and crying. And inspiration. We need all those to get us from day to day. I believe crying is essential. It’s impossible for us to live our entire lives without one tear. No one is capable for fully handling the stress entailed in our everyday lives.

Smiles, hugs, and inspiration. That’s all I need in life

...mmm...and chocolate...oohh...and bread.

To Stand Alone

2007-05-06T10:58:00.000-07:00

So I love love.

I love the giddiness. The excitement. The nervousness. The fact that I can be perfectly content watching mindless television just because I am sitting next to him.

What is it about life that makes humans crave that kind of interaction. Intimacy. Comfort. Excitement. Stability. Why do we seek that and feel as if that’s the only want to be truly satisfied? Why rely on someone else to make you happy?

That should be changed.

I think I have finally crossed that line into the world that I am here for me and will do what I can do to make myself happy. I don’t NEED someone all the time…yes I love people…but I don’t need a boyfriend. Don’t get me wrong, I love having a boyfriend—didn’t this whole post start with ‘I love love.’ I’m just saying that it’s something new I’ve realized about myself. These days my life revolves around my individual activities. Things that I love being part of and I love devoting my time to. I love devoting my time to friends and a certain boy as well, but this year I’m only going to do what I want to do, not what others want me to do. If certain friends become too critical of me, I can handle moving on in life without them. Although unfortunate, I am finally strong enough to stand-alone.
It’s been awhile since I could say that…so it feels good.

Why?

2007-05-06T10:57:00.000-07:00

Why is there so much hatred in this world? Why when we look at others do we immediately begin to pick down the things that make them inferior, things that make them less of a human being, things that make them...well…different. Why do we put stigmas on others? Why do we allow these stigmas to monopolize our thoughts and opinions?

Yes. These thoughts were sparked by something very specific. The film Crash.

Excellent.

Disgusting

Far too real.

Something I am very unaware of in my sheltered world is the idea of such hatred, disrespect and racism. Yes I laugh when people on TV make fun of certain races and I could easily mention the common stereotypes of every single race in this diverse world. But where does that line get crossed between being aware of these stereotypes and acting them out. Like the difference between prejudice and discrimination. The difference between stereotyping and treatment. What happens in one’s life that causes them to build such an incredible hate towards one group—what happened in their lives that makes them feel as if they deserve to have revenge on that group—not that person but that entire group. I just don’t understand why it has to happen.

Why are people given guns? There is absolutely nothing good that can come of having a gun. Yes you can say its ‘good’ because you can use it for self defense if necessary, but there shouldn’t even be a fucking need to defend yourself with that serious of a weapon. Why give the people of this Earth the power to end one’s life. To decide when one has lived long enough. To decide that they ‘deserve’ to have their life ended.

That is an absolutely absurd power.

I’m scared to have a child. To have so much of your soul in something that you can’t control and protect. Someone that at any moment can disappear from your life. Someone that will mean more to you than anyone in this world because they are your own flesh and blood. They are the representation of love. The representation of intimacy. The representation of two souls becoming one. God, I hope no one ever takes away that gift from me. To me, that is my ultimate goal. I want to be a mom. I don’t care when or how—but I need that part of my life fulfilled at some point throughout my life. Definitely not now, but if it were to happen I would never give up that opportunity to have the greatest addition to my life.

So. My thoughts at 1:06am after two strong experiences: 1. realizing all this and 2. having the most intense reaction to a scene in a movie that I’ve ever had.

Thank you Danni and Heike for experiencing it with me.

Advice for the future

2007-05-06T10:56:00.000-07:00

So I just love the lyrics to this old, old song I heard thanks to Miss Heike.

Ladies and gentlemen of the class of 1997

Wear sunscreen!
If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it
The long term benefits of sunscreen are being proved by scientists
Whereas my advice has no basis than my own experience

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth..oh well nevermind
You will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until it’s faded
But trust me in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and realize how fabulous you looked

You are not as fat as you imagine

Don’t worry about the future
Know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum
The real troubles in life are apt to be problems that never crossed your worried mind
The kind the blind slides you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday

Do one thing everyday that scares you

Sing

Don’t be reckless with other people’s hearts
Don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours

Floss

Don’t waste your time with jealousy
Sometimes you’re ahead
Sometimes you’re behind
The race is long

Remember the compliments
Forget the insults
If you succeed in doing this..tell me how

Keep your old love letters
Throw away your old bank statements

Stretch

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what you want to do with your life
The most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives
Some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know right now, still don’t know

Get plenty of calcium

Maybe you will marry
Maybe you won’t
Maybe you will have children
Maybe you won’t
Maybe you’ll divorced at 40
Maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 70th wedding anniversary
Whatever you do don’t congratulate yourself too much

Your choices are half chance, and so are everybody elses

Enjoy your body
Use it in everyway you can
Don’t be afraid of it
Or what other people think of it
It’s the greatest instrument you will ever own

Dance
Even if you have no where to do it but your own living room

Read the directions
Even if you don’t follow them

Don’t read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly

Get to know your parents
You never know when they will be gone for good
Be nice to your siblings
They are your best link to your past
And the most likely to stick to you in the future

Understand that friends come and go
But with a precious few you should hold on

Live in NYC once, but leave before it makes you hard
Live in northern California once but leave before it makes you soft

Travel

Accept certain inevitable truths
Prices will rise
Politicians will philander
You too will get old
And when you do you will fantasize that when YOU were young
Prices were reasonable
Politicians were noble
And children respected their elders

Respect your elders

Don’t expect anyone else to support you
Maybe you have a trust fund
Maybe you’ll have a wealthy spouse
But you never know when one of them will run out

Don’t mess too much with your hair
Or by the time you’re 40 you’ll look 85

Be careful of whose advice you buy
But be patient with those who supply it

But trust me on the sunscreen

Uh-oh

2007-05-06T10:51:00.000-07:00

So..I think something's wrong with me...I've been having those dreams...the ones that MUST mean something but I just can't figure it out.

Night one: Dream one:
I was in a church with my family, we were front row center and it seemed to be a funeral. My dad was telling me that both of my grandparents had died and i was obviously having a hard time deal with it. I was crying hysterically in my dream, and I even woke up crying. As the ceremony continued I remember only my dad, who was saying things to try and make me feel better. He was being very protective and comforting, which aren't common characteristics of him. I felt miserable and then half way through the ceremony Jesus walked in one of the doors with light bursting behind him through the door. Everyone seated shielded their eyes except for me, I just began to stare. My dad took his arm and covered my eyes with it. He then reprimanded me for staring at Jesus when 'everyone knows' that is not something that's allowed.

And that is how my dream ended--and I woke up crying

Night two: Dream two:
I was in this big, VERY old, truck with two good friends of mine (Lara and Laurie) and i was having a hard time driving it. A combination of a terrible clutch and the huge size of it made us decide to just park on the side of the road. These two girls came over and pushed the truck so it started rolling away so I had to gain control of it. As we were gliding down the hill we were all in a panic trying to get it going and such. Finally we got it going and then we hit traffic--an accident had occurred up ahead. By the time we got to the site of the accident I noticed my dad's green Saturn and I began to panic. The two girls had driven off in a hurry and crashed into another car. I jumped out of the car and asked one of the policemen if it was my dad, describing him as "having white hair and wearing a checkered dress shirt." The policeman verified that it was indeed my dad who was in the accident, and sure enough he had died from it. Once again I started hysterically crying, and that was when I woke up.

So--hum--I think I'm crazy. I told my family about the dreams and they guessed that I'm feeling guilty about something, but I have no idea what. It just seemed odd to me to have two dreams, back to back, that were so extreme.