I know who I’m going to marry

For the purpose of this post “marry” = spend the rest of my life with

Alright – now I may continue…

Yup – it’s decided – I’m going to marry Dominic Graziano.

Scary thought I know. The basics: I’m 22 years old. We met on August 25^th, 2004 (exactly 4 years ago). We have dated on and off (but mostly on) for those past 4 years. September 16^th is our made up “anniversary” date. Every moment we were not a couple there was something deep inside pulling us back into each other’s arms. He is my best friend.

I’ve always wondered how you’d just know – and be able to make that type of commitment. How if one (or even both) person changes whether or not the relationship will still work, still be as strong. And of course there is no way to know that for sure, but I’ll tell you what I’m damn sure of:

I know for a fact that every moment I meet someone else I immediately compare them to Dominic and analyze what I like and dislike about that person. Every single time Dominic comes out on top – without any significant challenge. That says something about this surreal human being.

I know for a fact that if Accenture surrounds me with a different type of person, if that then makes me a different person, and ultimately makes me think for even a second that Dominic is not the right person for me…that I will come back to him. I always have. He is the only person in this life who seems to truly understand and accept me. Of course there are millions of people I have not met (nor given a fair chance) but when I have the person who does that sitting right next to me, why on earth would I ever need to go somewhere else. Dominic has a combination of qualities that I have never see in someone else – or anywhere close. There’s an invaluable honesty and bluntness that is extremely hard to find in a friend – nor able to accept when hearing it from his/her lips.

Times like these I wish I was a better writer – as I am having difficulty accurately conveying the way I feel.

The moral of all of this is – damnit – Dominic, you and I will be together forever. We have to be. That’s just the way it is going to work out. We need each other. We compliment one another. We challenge each other. We inspire each other. We understand each other.

When no one understands our petty arguments. When no one understands why we fixate on certain things. When no one understands why we talk about everything. WE DO.

There is nothing in this world, that right now as a 22-year old woman living in Denver about to embark on her first career, that I could fathom would break us up. We are strong and passionate. And that’s all we need. And all I need to know.

I’m a WHAT?

College Graduate? What? Nah..That’s just for grown-ups/adults/big-kids and I am in no way that…

I’m 21 years old. Tonight was my last Deltasig meeting. Tomorrow is my last class. One week from today is my last final. And 1 ½ weeks from now I will be an official graduate of Colorado State University with a degree in Marketing and General Sociology. WTF.

I remember the last few years in Deltasig looking at the characteristics of these people who were graduating: Mature. Established. Inspirational. Confident. Knowledgeable. Old. Put-together. Casual attire at the last meeting.

I look at myself and do not see these similarities. The facts just don’t match up. All the words that describe a “college graduate” and a “21 year old” I cannot apply to myself. My brain just doesn’t know how to grasp this concept that I am now part of that group. I look in the mirror and I see the same woman I’ve seen for the last 6 years staring back at me. Not someone who has experienced so much in her life. I notice my vocabulary when I speak is far more sophisticated, when the hell did that happen? When did I establish a wardrobe that I have had for the past 4 years? My goodness—wtf.

Of course I’m excited about all this extreme life changing, but I don’t feel capable of internalizing this. Maybe it will come as I complete my last final. Or as I walk across the stage at graduation. Or when I move my stuff to Boulder or Denver. Or when classes start back up in the fall and I do not plan to attend them. Whenever it does happen I know that I will have no regrets about the amazing experiences I had thus far.

So- in the spirit of appreciating my experiences, I would like to list the 10 top experiences of my college career:

1. Laying in bed and bonding with Laura on cold snowy days in our dorm room
2. Going for hella-long walks with Dominic around campus expanding my soul
3. Becoming President of Delta Sigma Pi
4. Getting to know the amazing faculty at CSU
5. Staying up until 3am talking with the most amazing people I have ever met
6. Watching the full moon
7. Building a phenomenal 4-year-bond with Amy and Melissa
8. Watching the pledges at initiation as Jr. Pledge Educator
9. Crying with Monica at Formal
10. Hearing that I positively impacted Delta Sigma Pi

Each of these experiences surrounds building those connections with people and I will treasure them for all eternity.

So to you Mr. College, it’s been incredible but I am not sad to leave. Instead proud of my experiences and eager for the future. And.....I’m off.

Fuck (sorry Mom)

You know what I’m scared of..fuck….I’m scared of all THIS:

I’m scared to change my entire lifestyle. I'm scared to “test” Dominic and my relationship to that extent. I’m scared to live in an apartment in Denver. I’m scared to take the bus everyday to and from Denver. I’m scared to have responsibility. I’m scared to fill out serious paperwork for Accenture. I’m scared to endure that steep learning curve. I’m scared to come home to an empty house. I’m scared to fight with Dominic. I’m scared to fail. I’m scared that everything I expect may not be quite what it is. I’m scared to leave my currently “successful” life. I’m fucking terrified and clearly don’t know how to handle it.

Crying Is How You Know

So for the past four years I’ve been trying to figure out what ‘true love’ is and what phrases like ‘meant to be’ ‘perfect for each other’ ‘soul mates’ etc. Etc. ETC mean.

Well. I think I have a theory on what love is, and what true love is, and how you know you found that special person.

There’s something that happens to me when I think about the two person in my life that I honestly don’t know how I would live without…I cry at the thought of the possibility that one day they may not be here anymore. So indicator one…crying! But the good kind of cry. The kind of cry that comes from the depth of my inner most being and is unstoppable. In fact, if I was an actress I think that is the way I would be able to cry on cue..just think about the possibility of losing my mom or Dominic.

Now, how does one decipher what this ‘perfect for each other’ and ‘soul mates’ words mean. To me it has absolutely nothing to do with if we enjoy all the same things, think the same things, call each other at the exact same time, have the same major, have the same birthday (yup, some people I know really think this is an indicator of true compatibleness), or any other superficial bullshit that really doesn’t mean anything. I’ve decide that it’s about having common passions in life.

My passions are

1. Being mentally stimulated on a daily basis

2. Owning my actions and understanding why I do the things I do

3. Surrounding myself with music

4. Learning about life

5. Being real

The last one may be a tad confusing, so to me, that combines a few of the other passions I have and it takes knowing who I am and being okay with that. I’ve learned I do not have a “business-personality” and when I’m in an environment that challenges me to act that way, I am not being real. When I allow my real personality to come out, that is me being real. That genuine excitement, that sincerity, that Shannon.

Dominic is the closest to matching all of those passions that I have ever come across…far closer than anyone. So no we aren’t both business majors, our thoughts on money and lifestyle and ‘success’ are extremely different, we were brought up on almost opposite sides of the spectrum, I tolerate his music and he mine, I love chick flicks and he likes crappy movies, etc. Generally our thoughts on children, marriage, cities to live in, etc are similar, but in the end I believe that it’s about the bigger things, those passions that I mentioned that truly

But damnit I cry when I think about him. And that’s enough for me.

The other night he said something really real, he said that “it’s pointless thinking about if this is ‘as good as it gets’ because it implies that we’re settling. What’s important is that we’re both happy, so why would we ever wonder if there is something better.” I like that.

I don’t know where the future will take us. Or if I’ll have the pleasure of spending the rest of my life with him. Or if we’ll live happily ever after. But goodness gracious, I couldn’t ask for someone better to help guide me to become my true self.

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this Dominic, and it’s not like any of this is new to you, but every moment we share is so precious to me, and wherever life may take us…these memories will help guide me to the life that I deserve.

Seeking Passionate People

It’s 2:30am right now. I haven’t written in months. I write when I feel inspired.

Looks like I’m feeling inspired.

What will I write about? I used to write when I was having problems with my relationship, but there are no problems there, and if there were, I certainly wouldn’t be wasting my time writing when I could be talking to him.

Maybe I’d like to talk about the people I respect in this world…the few personalities out there that I do. That personality is: open-minded, considerate, passionate, insightful, interested to learn, reflective, confident…real. If someone is real, meaning they know who they are and have accepted that. I don’t give a shit if we disagree on subjects, but know why the hell you believe something before you go and waste everyone’s time preaching about it. Goodness I hate that. Be able to look at yourself from the outside and understand why you do something that way.

For example, I’ll own up to something right now: I have been cursed with migraines (certainly not as miserable as others have) and it completely destroys me every time I have one. It’s not that I can’t see straight that bothers me. It’s not that when the left side of my face goes numb the feeling is unbearable. It’s not that the throbbing pain cripples me. It is the fact that I have completely lost all control over my life for whichever period of time the migraine would like to take over for. I have a very controlling/dominant personality, so when I’m in an environment where I do not have a strong sense of control, I completely break down. The worst part is when I live my life feeling like I have this annoyance under control and it occurs again, it’s even worse than before. So—my point—I know that it is not the pain that bothers me about having the migraines, it is the lack of control over my life at that point in time. And THAT is the skill that I value in others, that ability to see what is going on deeper than surface level in the situation.

I appreciate people who have interests different than mine, I feel like we can bring new realizations to one another. I long for individuals who can begin a conversation beyond basic surface-level-bullshit in a matter of minutes. That is what life is all about, and I thank that handful of people in my life who have given that to me.

I would like to name some of those people who have provided me that feeling..and if you didn’t expect to be on my list know that you really did make an impact on me: Dominic G, Matt G, Dan W, Melissa S, Joe E, John G, Kristyn C, David P, Heike M, Amy D, Stephanie P, Levi L, Tommy M, Dan B, Mom, Dad, Laurie H, Lara C, Gretchen D, Alisha Z. I know I forgot some of you, and I truly apologize. But please come up to me, say “damnit Shannon, I thought we bonded that one time—and then I’d like to bond again and I promise 1. You will be added to this list and 2. I will never forget the impact you had on me again. My challenge to you—you better do it!

Alright—well my inspiration is slowly fading. I heard some amazing music tonight. I would die without music.

PostSecret

This is an incredible website and it literally sent chills down my back as I read some of them.
http://postsecret.blogspot.com/

This probably meant the most to me because this is exactly how I felt all summer. Yes, it was a great experience, but in the end this is EXACTLY how I felt at the end. "Meaningful" means very different things to different people, and to me, that meant I will not do retail and I will not put myself in an environment where I am working 'closing shifts' and hate going to work--and some days over the summer I didn't want to go there.


Sad.
I feel this one...sometimes one's time could be spent doing something more productive in my opinion.


And this is how I feel and hope every day.













There are a lot of other photos I really liked but I don't have the patience to upload them all. So just check out the website...

Music and my soul

Nothing can truly sooth me and excite me at the same time as music. And here are some of the lyrics of the songs that completely move my soul.

Ben Lee: "Love Me Like The World Was Ending"
This is the first day of the future,
And all i want is you.
I wear a pair of socks you left here.
But i know, i know, i know, nobody could ever fill your shoes.
I can see so clearly when your smoke gets in my eyes.
Please me with your promises and hurt me with your lies.
Baby can you hear the message i am sending?
Love me like the world is ending.
This is the last day of existence.
And all i want is you.
There's a certain sadness.
But i know, i know, i know, the sky is what makes the ocean blue.
I can see so clearly when your smoke gets in me.
Please me with your promises and hurt me with your lies.
Baby can you hear the message i am sending?
Love me like the world is ending.
And they all say to pour it has to rain
So don't complain if we get wet in the deep end.
I can see when your smoke gets in my eyes.
Please me with your promises and hurt me with your lies.
Baby, can you hear the message i am sending?
Love me like the world is ending.

Ben Kweller: "Thirteen"
We've been in the rain
We've been on the mountain
We've been round the fire

In fancy hotels
Drank water from farm wells
We sang with the choir

I kissed your dry lips
We jumped off the high cliffs
And splashed down below

Skin to skin
In the salty river
Made love in the shadow
Woooah ooh

Read books to each other
Read the mind of the other
Flew one thousand (jets?)

We laughed and we cried
At movies and real life
In our ridiculous beds

We danced in the moonlight at midnight
We pressed against back doors and wooden floors
And you never faked it

And frequently
We ignored our love
But we could never mistake it
Oooh ooh

We met on the front porch
Fell in love on the phone
Without the physical wreck

You gave me the necklace
That used to hang
Around your mothers neck

We questioned religions
Fed bread to the pigeons
We learned how to pray

We stood by the ocean
Turned our hearts in to one
We laid in bed all day
Heeey

We skipped on the sidewalk
Skipped stones on the water
We skipped town

We've seen the sunrise with new eyes
We've seen the damage of gossip and true lies
We've seen the sun go down

Had passionate makeouts
And passionate freakouts
We built this world of our own

It was in the back of a taxi
When you told me you loved me
And that I wasnt alone


Mandy Moore: "Gardenia"
Well, I put so much thought into getting ready
Now I know that was the best part
It's so easy to get caught up in what I'm regretting
Forget what I got from a wounded heart

I'm the one who likes Gardenia
I'm the one who likes to make love on the floor
I don't want to hang up the phone yet
It's been good
Getting to know me more
I've been seeing all my old friends in the city
Walking alone in Central Park
Doing all the things that I've neglected
Traded 'em all in
To be in your arms

Well, I hear my own voice
Sounds so silly
Keep on telling my story all around
Everything I lost seems so different
Well, this is how everybody gets found

The Wood Brothers: "Chocolate on my tongue"
Sittin' on the front porch
Ice cream in my hand
Meltin' in the sun
All that chocolate on my tongue

And that's good enough reason to live
Good enough reason to live

Sittin' in the bathtub
Hi-fi playin' low
Diggin' all that green
Well you must know what I mean

And that's good enough reason to live
Good enough reason to live

If I die young
At least I got some chocolate on my tongue
If I die young
'Least I got some chocolate on my tongue

Sittin' in the front seat
Good girl in my arms
Smilin' in my eyes
Gettin' me all hypnotized

And that's good enough reason to live
Good enough reason to live

If I die young
At least I got some chocolate on my tongue
If I die young
'Least I got some chocolate on, chocolate on my tongue
If I die young
At least I got some chocolate on my tongue

Garth Brooks: "More than a memory"
People say she's only in my head
Gonna take time but I'll forget
Say I need to get on with my life
What they don't realize

Is when you're dialing 6 numbers just to hang up the phone
Driving cross town just to see if she's home
Waking a friend in the dead of the night
just to hear him say it'll be alright dapslyrics
When you're finding things to do at night, not fall asleep (?)
Know she will be there in your dreams
that's when she's
more than a memory

took a page to everything she ever wrote(?)
watched every word go up in smoke
tore all her pictures off the wall
that aint helping me at all

'Cause when you're talking out loud to nothing but air
you look like hell and you just don't care
you're drinking more than you ever drank
and sinking down lower than you ever sank
then you find yourself falling on your knees
shaking your fist, begging "please"
that's when she's
more than a memory

People say she's only in my head
Gonna take time but I'll forget
but when she's in every minute of every day
every thought i think
every breath i take
she's everywhere and she's everything
she's more than a memo

So the main reason I love these songs is because of their passion. Not all of these songs represents feelings I have experienced, but regardless, goodness they are spectacular. Poetic. Insightful. Earth-shattering. And each song holds a very special place in my heart. When I'm feeling depressed I can lay on my bed, with songs like this blasting and everything just stops. The drama stops. The insecurities stop. My anger is released. My tears are released. My soul shakes.