I’m a Hypocrite

I can’t quite remember when the jealousy started – if it was pre-cheated or post-cheated but somewhere it got a little ridiculous.

When I’m in a relationship – I’m selfish and don’t want Him to speak to any other girl.

It’s silly.

And completely irrational.

So now – the hypocritical beauty of this – I have tons of male friends. Some attractive. Some with similar interests. Some who are flirty. Etc. And I am not interested in any one of them. I would never want my significant other to worry just because we have a friendship and enjoy each other's company– and when I say He shouldn't worry - he should believe me wholeheartedly.

But for some reason I can’t stop thinking about a relationship inevitably forming between a boyfriend and any woman that he sees repeatedly.

Again silly. Irrational. Selfish. i know.

I may know why I do this. In the relationship that I was cheated on in – I still was jealous – but the one girl I actually wasn’t worried at all about was in fact that woman that he cheated on me with. Which potentially demonstrated that unless I worry about it – something will happen. All subconsciously of course.

I find myself worrying about those interactions far more than I should – which is a huge waste of my time. Although of course it’s easier said than done. After no interest in confirmed – that should (logically) be the end of any worry or wonder.

My fear isn’t of cheating anymore, thanks to a decent human being. But I do have this fear of two people getting closer and closer and finally ending the relationship with me so that they can be together. It’s a silly thing because if He finds someone that is better for him than I am – of course we should no longer be together. But damnit that’s a difficult idea to honestly be okay with.

I don’t want to be like this. It’s irritating. Pointless. But I don’t know how to stop. And I’m a hypocrite to make the situation even better.

My Thank You

Sometimes I read my own blog to inspire me to write more – looks like it worked this evening.

It’s difficult for me to share some of the things in this blog with people. I can have very insecure moments, and a lot of trust issues, and sometimes I think that those who will read this have ulterior motives. If I have personally sent you this link that means I trust you and believe that you are a good soul. Thank you for helping build that trust with me.

I don’t believe that there are many of you left in this world –and that really sucks. Maybe one day I will be corrected – but thus far I would say it’s 70/30 for bad/good people, if that. To me, bad means fake people…inconsiderate people…malicious people…immoral people…negative people…self-centered people…unreliable people…shitty people.

You are the good people I know – those with substance, passion, compassion, interests, and you take the time to see into my soul. Thank you. That means a lot to me that you would take the time to read about something completely unrelated to you – that’s rare.

Thank you Matt.

Thank you Sam.

Thank you JP.

Thank you Dominic.

Thank you Melissa.

Thank you Laurie.

Thank you Johnny.

Thank you Maranda.

You are the few. Thank you all for instilling my trust in you – it’s apparently extremely difficult to do :) - I'm working on it.

Discovered PostSecrets

Every Sunday a new set of secrets appears on the PostSecret Blog Website and every Sunday I save the secrets that somehow or another affected me. Some I relate to. Others I cry for. Frank Warren really created an amazing concept and I encourage you to investigate it for yourself. PostSecret is an ongoing community mail art project in which people mail their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. I haven't submitted any secrets yet, but I'm working on one.

Please check out my new blog where I have posted some of my favorites...

I know who I’m going to marry

For the purpose of this post “marry” = spend the rest of my life with

Alright – now I may continue…

Yup – it’s decided – I’m going to marry Dominic Graziano.

Scary thought I know. The basics: I’m 22 years old. We met on August 25^th, 2004 (exactly 4 years ago). We have dated on and off (but mostly on) for those past 4 years. September 16^th is our made up “anniversary” date. Every moment we were not a couple there was something deep inside pulling us back into each other’s arms. He is my best friend.

I’ve always wondered how you’d just know – and be able to make that type of commitment. How if one (or even both) person changes whether or not the relationship will still work, still be as strong. And of course there is no way to know that for sure, but I’ll tell you what I’m damn sure of:

I know for a fact that every moment I meet someone else I immediately compare them to Dominic and analyze what I like and dislike about that person. Every single time Dominic comes out on top – without any significant challenge. That says something about this surreal human being.

I know for a fact that if Accenture surrounds me with a different type of person, if that then makes me a different person, and ultimately makes me think for even a second that Dominic is not the right person for me…that I will come back to him. I always have. He is the only person in this life who seems to truly understand and accept me. Of course there are millions of people I have not met (nor given a fair chance) but when I have the person who does that sitting right next to me, why on earth would I ever need to go somewhere else. Dominic has a combination of qualities that I have never see in someone else – or anywhere close. There’s an invaluable honesty and bluntness that is extremely hard to find in a friend – nor able to accept when hearing it from his/her lips.

Times like these I wish I was a better writer – as I am having difficulty accurately conveying the way I feel.

The moral of all of this is – damnit – Dominic, you and I will be together forever. We have to be. That’s just the way it is going to work out. We need each other. We compliment one another. We challenge each other. We inspire each other. We understand each other.

When no one understands our petty arguments. When no one understands why we fixate on certain things. When no one understands why we talk about everything. WE DO.

There is nothing in this world, that right now as a 22-year old woman living in Denver about to embark on her first career, that I could fathom would break us up. We are strong and passionate. And that’s all we need. And all I need to know.

I’m a WHAT?

College Graduate? What? Nah..That’s just for grown-ups/adults/big-kids and I am in no way that…

I’m 21 years old. Tonight was my last Deltasig meeting. Tomorrow is my last class. One week from today is my last final. And 1 ½ weeks from now I will be an official graduate of Colorado State University with a degree in Marketing and General Sociology. WTF.

I remember the last few years in Deltasig looking at the characteristics of these people who were graduating: Mature. Established. Inspirational. Confident. Knowledgeable. Old. Put-together. Casual attire at the last meeting.

I look at myself and do not see these similarities. The facts just don’t match up. All the words that describe a “college graduate” and a “21 year old” I cannot apply to myself. My brain just doesn’t know how to grasp this concept that I am now part of that group. I look in the mirror and I see the same woman I’ve seen for the last 6 years staring back at me. Not someone who has experienced so much in her life. I notice my vocabulary when I speak is far more sophisticated, when the hell did that happen? When did I establish a wardrobe that I have had for the past 4 years? My goodness—wtf.

Of course I’m excited about all this extreme life changing, but I don’t feel capable of internalizing this. Maybe it will come as I complete my last final. Or as I walk across the stage at graduation. Or when I move my stuff to Boulder or Denver. Or when classes start back up in the fall and I do not plan to attend them. Whenever it does happen I know that I will have no regrets about the amazing experiences I had thus far.

So- in the spirit of appreciating my experiences, I would like to list the 10 top experiences of my college career:

1. Laying in bed and bonding with Laura on cold snowy days in our dorm room
2. Going for hella-long walks with Dominic around campus expanding my soul
3. Becoming President of Delta Sigma Pi
4. Getting to know the amazing faculty at CSU
5. Staying up until 3am talking with the most amazing people I have ever met
6. Watching the full moon
7. Building a phenomenal 4-year-bond with Amy and Melissa
8. Watching the pledges at initiation as Jr. Pledge Educator
9. Crying with Monica at Formal
10. Hearing that I positively impacted Delta Sigma Pi

Each of these experiences surrounds building those connections with people and I will treasure them for all eternity.

So to you Mr. College, it’s been incredible but I am not sad to leave. Instead proud of my experiences and eager for the future. And.....I’m off.

Fuck (sorry Mom)

You know what I’m scared of..fuck….I’m scared of all THIS:

I’m scared to change my entire lifestyle. I'm scared to “test” Dominic and my relationship to that extent. I’m scared to live in an apartment in Denver. I’m scared to take the bus everyday to and from Denver. I’m scared to have responsibility. I’m scared to fill out serious paperwork for Accenture. I’m scared to endure that steep learning curve. I’m scared to come home to an empty house. I’m scared to fight with Dominic. I’m scared to fail. I’m scared that everything I expect may not be quite what it is. I’m scared to leave my currently “successful” life. I’m fucking terrified and clearly don’t know how to handle it.

Crying Is How You Know

So for the past four years I’ve been trying to figure out what ‘true love’ is and what phrases like ‘meant to be’ ‘perfect for each other’ ‘soul mates’ etc. Etc. ETC mean.

Well. I think I have a theory on what love is, and what true love is, and how you know you found that special person.

There’s something that happens to me when I think about the two person in my life that I honestly don’t know how I would live without…I cry at the thought of the possibility that one day they may not be here anymore. So indicator one…crying! But the good kind of cry. The kind of cry that comes from the depth of my inner most being and is unstoppable. In fact, if I was an actress I think that is the way I would be able to cry on cue..just think about the possibility of losing my mom or Dominic.

Now, how does one decipher what this ‘perfect for each other’ and ‘soul mates’ words mean. To me it has absolutely nothing to do with if we enjoy all the same things, think the same things, call each other at the exact same time, have the same major, have the same birthday (yup, some people I know really think this is an indicator of true compatibleness), or any other superficial bullshit that really doesn’t mean anything. I’ve decide that it’s about having common passions in life.

My passions are

1. Being mentally stimulated on a daily basis

2. Owning my actions and understanding why I do the things I do

3. Surrounding myself with music

4. Learning about life

5. Being real

The last one may be a tad confusing, so to me, that combines a few of the other passions I have and it takes knowing who I am and being okay with that. I’ve learned I do not have a “business-personality” and when I’m in an environment that challenges me to act that way, I am not being real. When I allow my real personality to come out, that is me being real. That genuine excitement, that sincerity, that Shannon.

Dominic is the closest to matching all of those passions that I have ever come across…far closer than anyone. So no we aren’t both business majors, our thoughts on money and lifestyle and ‘success’ are extremely different, we were brought up on almost opposite sides of the spectrum, I tolerate his music and he mine, I love chick flicks and he likes crappy movies, etc. Generally our thoughts on children, marriage, cities to live in, etc are similar, but in the end I believe that it’s about the bigger things, those passions that I mentioned that truly

But damnit I cry when I think about him. And that’s enough for me.

The other night he said something really real, he said that “it’s pointless thinking about if this is ‘as good as it gets’ because it implies that we’re settling. What’s important is that we’re both happy, so why would we ever wonder if there is something better.” I like that.

I don’t know where the future will take us. Or if I’ll have the pleasure of spending the rest of my life with him. Or if we’ll live happily ever after. But goodness gracious, I couldn’t ask for someone better to help guide me to become my true self.

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this Dominic, and it’s not like any of this is new to you, but every moment we share is so precious to me, and wherever life may take us…these memories will help guide me to the life that I deserve.