I’m a Hypocrite

I can’t quite remember when the jealousy started – if it was pre-cheated or post-cheated but somewhere it got a little ridiculous.

When I’m in a relationship – I’m selfish and don’t want Him to speak to any other girl.

It’s silly.

And completely irrational.

So now – the hypocritical beauty of this – I have tons of male friends. Some attractive. Some with similar interests. Some who are flirty. Etc. And I am not interested in any one of them. I would never want my significant other to worry just because we have a friendship and enjoy each other's company– and when I say He shouldn't worry - he should believe me wholeheartedly.

But for some reason I can’t stop thinking about a relationship inevitably forming between a boyfriend and any woman that he sees repeatedly.

Again silly. Irrational. Selfish. i know.

I may know why I do this. In the relationship that I was cheated on in – I still was jealous – but the one girl I actually wasn’t worried at all about was in fact that woman that he cheated on me with. Which potentially demonstrated that unless I worry about it – something will happen. All subconsciously of course.

I find myself worrying about those interactions far more than I should – which is a huge waste of my time. Although of course it’s easier said than done. After no interest in confirmed – that should (logically) be the end of any worry or wonder.

My fear isn’t of cheating anymore, thanks to a decent human being. But I do have this fear of two people getting closer and closer and finally ending the relationship with me so that they can be together. It’s a silly thing because if He finds someone that is better for him than I am – of course we should no longer be together. But damnit that’s a difficult idea to honestly be okay with.

I don’t want to be like this. It’s irritating. Pointless. But I don’t know how to stop. And I’m a hypocrite to make the situation even better.

My Thank You

Sometimes I read my own blog to inspire me to write more – looks like it worked this evening.

It’s difficult for me to share some of the things in this blog with people. I can have very insecure moments, and a lot of trust issues, and sometimes I think that those who will read this have ulterior motives. If I have personally sent you this link that means I trust you and believe that you are a good soul. Thank you for helping build that trust with me.

I don’t believe that there are many of you left in this world –and that really sucks. Maybe one day I will be corrected – but thus far I would say it’s 70/30 for bad/good people, if that. To me, bad means fake people…inconsiderate people…malicious people…immoral people…negative people…self-centered people…unreliable people…shitty people.

You are the good people I know – those with substance, passion, compassion, interests, and you take the time to see into my soul. Thank you. That means a lot to me that you would take the time to read about something completely unrelated to you – that’s rare.

Thank you Matt.

Thank you Sam.

Thank you JP.

Thank you Dominic.

Thank you Melissa.

Thank you Laurie.

Thank you Johnny.

Thank you Maranda.

You are the few. Thank you all for instilling my trust in you – it’s apparently extremely difficult to do :) - I'm working on it.

Discovered PostSecrets

Every Sunday a new set of secrets appears on the PostSecret Blog Website and every Sunday I save the secrets that somehow or another affected me. Some I relate to. Others I cry for. Frank Warren really created an amazing concept and I encourage you to investigate it for yourself. PostSecret is an ongoing community mail art project in which people mail their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. I haven't submitted any secrets yet, but I'm working on one.

Please check out my new blog where I have posted some of my favorites...