I’m a Hypocrite

I can’t quite remember when the jealousy started – if it was pre-cheated or post-cheated but somewhere it got a little ridiculous.

When I’m in a relationship – I’m selfish and don’t want Him to speak to any other girl.

It’s silly.

And completely irrational.

So now – the hypocritical beauty of this – I have tons of male friends. Some attractive. Some with similar interests. Some who are flirty. Etc. And I am not interested in any one of them. I would never want my significant other to worry just because we have a friendship and enjoy each other's company– and when I say He shouldn't worry - he should believe me wholeheartedly.

But for some reason I can’t stop thinking about a relationship inevitably forming between a boyfriend and any woman that he sees repeatedly.

Again silly. Irrational. Selfish. i know.

I may know why I do this. In the relationship that I was cheated on in – I still was jealous – but the one girl I actually wasn’t worried at all about was in fact that woman that he cheated on me with. Which potentially demonstrated that unless I worry about it – something will happen. All subconsciously of course.

I find myself worrying about those interactions far more than I should – which is a huge waste of my time. Although of course it’s easier said than done. After no interest in confirmed – that should (logically) be the end of any worry or wonder.

My fear isn’t of cheating anymore, thanks to a decent human being. But I do have this fear of two people getting closer and closer and finally ending the relationship with me so that they can be together. It’s a silly thing because if He finds someone that is better for him than I am – of course we should no longer be together. But damnit that’s a difficult idea to honestly be okay with.

I don’t want to be like this. It’s irritating. Pointless. But I don’t know how to stop. And I’m a hypocrite to make the situation even better.