Fuck (sorry Mom)

You know what I’m scared of..fuck….I’m scared of all THIS:

I’m scared to change my entire lifestyle. I'm scared to “test” Dominic and my relationship to that extent. I’m scared to live in an apartment in Denver. I’m scared to take the bus everyday to and from Denver. I’m scared to have responsibility. I’m scared to fill out serious paperwork for Accenture. I’m scared to endure that steep learning curve. I’m scared to come home to an empty house. I’m scared to fight with Dominic. I’m scared to fail. I’m scared that everything I expect may not be quite what it is. I’m scared to leave my currently “successful” life. I’m fucking terrified and clearly don’t know how to handle it.

Crying Is How You Know

So for the past four years I’ve been trying to figure out what ‘true love’ is and what phrases like ‘meant to be’ ‘perfect for each other’ ‘soul mates’ etc. Etc. ETC mean.

Well. I think I have a theory on what love is, and what true love is, and how you know you found that special person.

There’s something that happens to me when I think about the two person in my life that I honestly don’t know how I would live without…I cry at the thought of the possibility that one day they may not be here anymore. So indicator one…crying! But the good kind of cry. The kind of cry that comes from the depth of my inner most being and is unstoppable. In fact, if I was an actress I think that is the way I would be able to cry on cue..just think about the possibility of losing my mom or Dominic.

Now, how does one decipher what this ‘perfect for each other’ and ‘soul mates’ words mean. To me it has absolutely nothing to do with if we enjoy all the same things, think the same things, call each other at the exact same time, have the same major, have the same birthday (yup, some people I know really think this is an indicator of true compatibleness), or any other superficial bullshit that really doesn’t mean anything. I’ve decide that it’s about having common passions in life.

My passions are

1. Being mentally stimulated on a daily basis

2. Owning my actions and understanding why I do the things I do

3. Surrounding myself with music

4. Learning about life

5. Being real

The last one may be a tad confusing, so to me, that combines a few of the other passions I have and it takes knowing who I am and being okay with that. I’ve learned I do not have a “business-personality” and when I’m in an environment that challenges me to act that way, I am not being real. When I allow my real personality to come out, that is me being real. That genuine excitement, that sincerity, that Shannon.

Dominic is the closest to matching all of those passions that I have ever come across…far closer than anyone. So no we aren’t both business majors, our thoughts on money and lifestyle and ‘success’ are extremely different, we were brought up on almost opposite sides of the spectrum, I tolerate his music and he mine, I love chick flicks and he likes crappy movies, etc. Generally our thoughts on children, marriage, cities to live in, etc are similar, but in the end I believe that it’s about the bigger things, those passions that I mentioned that truly

But damnit I cry when I think about him. And that’s enough for me.

The other night he said something really real, he said that “it’s pointless thinking about if this is ‘as good as it gets’ because it implies that we’re settling. What’s important is that we’re both happy, so why would we ever wonder if there is something better.” I like that.

I don’t know where the future will take us. Or if I’ll have the pleasure of spending the rest of my life with him. Or if we’ll live happily ever after. But goodness gracious, I couldn’t ask for someone better to help guide me to become my true self.

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this Dominic, and it’s not like any of this is new to you, but every moment we share is so precious to me, and wherever life may take us…these memories will help guide me to the life that I deserve.

Seeking Passionate People

It’s 2:30am right now. I haven’t written in months. I write when I feel inspired.

Looks like I’m feeling inspired.

What will I write about? I used to write when I was having problems with my relationship, but there are no problems there, and if there were, I certainly wouldn’t be wasting my time writing when I could be talking to him.

Maybe I’d like to talk about the people I respect in this world…the few personalities out there that I do. That personality is: open-minded, considerate, passionate, insightful, interested to learn, reflective, confident…real. If someone is real, meaning they know who they are and have accepted that. I don’t give a shit if we disagree on subjects, but know why the hell you believe something before you go and waste everyone’s time preaching about it. Goodness I hate that. Be able to look at yourself from the outside and understand why you do something that way.

For example, I’ll own up to something right now: I have been cursed with migraines (certainly not as miserable as others have) and it completely destroys me every time I have one. It’s not that I can’t see straight that bothers me. It’s not that when the left side of my face goes numb the feeling is unbearable. It’s not that the throbbing pain cripples me. It is the fact that I have completely lost all control over my life for whichever period of time the migraine would like to take over for. I have a very controlling/dominant personality, so when I’m in an environment where I do not have a strong sense of control, I completely break down. The worst part is when I live my life feeling like I have this annoyance under control and it occurs again, it’s even worse than before. So—my point—I know that it is not the pain that bothers me about having the migraines, it is the lack of control over my life at that point in time. And THAT is the skill that I value in others, that ability to see what is going on deeper than surface level in the situation.

I appreciate people who have interests different than mine, I feel like we can bring new realizations to one another. I long for individuals who can begin a conversation beyond basic surface-level-bullshit in a matter of minutes. That is what life is all about, and I thank that handful of people in my life who have given that to me.

I would like to name some of those people who have provided me that feeling..and if you didn’t expect to be on my list know that you really did make an impact on me: Dominic G, Matt G, Dan W, Melissa S, Joe E, John G, Kristyn C, David P, Heike M, Amy D, Stephanie P, Levi L, Tommy M, Dan B, Mom, Dad, Laurie H, Lara C, Gretchen D, Alisha Z. I know I forgot some of you, and I truly apologize. But please come up to me, say “damnit Shannon, I thought we bonded that one time—and then I’d like to bond again and I promise 1. You will be added to this list and 2. I will never forget the impact you had on me again. My challenge to you—you better do it!

Alright—well my inspiration is slowly fading. I heard some amazing music tonight. I would die without music.