Laurie's Questions

Laurie and I send questions back and forth to learn more about each other and about ourselves - here are some of my answers:

1. In the perfect world I would be working at a market research firm doing analysis - or doing forecasting - somewhere that I could look at data (already collected) and make decisions about it! As in, sell more of this, advertise more to this demographic, stop this area as it's not profitable etc. That's really what I would love to do. I am happy where I am living, and living with Dominic. So I guess the only thing I wished right now is that I was already working. I really don't like having such inconsistency in my life (I can't imagine if I had graduated in May without a job!! goodness) ... I'd even be happy starting at Accenture already and just getting that going - and hopefully loving it. I'm happy in Colorado these days - although I don't expect to stay here forever. But at this point it's just easier here - know people - having family - that network is already established. And I love my apt! :) I do wish we had a cute cozy house though - but the apt thing is fun to experience.

2. I don't think I feel 22 at all...maybe 28...as in mentally a little more ready to settle down than normal 22 year olds, wanting children and to start that life. I want to be at that point where I know what I want to do and am working towards that job. I don't like being new to something, and that is all this post-graduate feeling is. But of course I am pretty carefree these days (minus my crazy addiction to worrying about money/jobs/etc) but it is nice that I am able to relax.

3. If I had a million dollars I would sit around and listen to people's stories. Why they tick. Who influenced them. The things that bother them. The path their lives have taken and where they want it to go. And why. And their personal beliefs and why. ETC. I really think I should become a counselor/psychologist/psychiatrist in my later life. I would do it for no money. Anything to surround myself with those amazing stories - everyone has them, they just need someone to give them the time to listen.

Another Set:

1. I am so beyond passionate about ending child and domestic abuse in our society. I feel like it comes from emotional stress as a child, and that comes from bad parenting, it's just a vicious cycle. I wish some people weren't able to have children because they just destroy them, emotionally, physically, psychologically. I've noticed parents show their love through material things and that is extremely unhealthy! I want to help women get out of dangerous situations, get their children out of those situations, teach men that they need to find another way to communicate their frustrations. There are so many healthy ways to "blow off steam" than hitting a woman or child. I wish men were more communicative and emotional, I honestly think that society has conditioned men to push away those feelings, and thus they never really deal with those emotions and then don't know how to communicate it. Anywho, the moral is, I can see myself becoming involved with a group that helps alleviate domestic abuse.

2. Things that make me feel better...music would probably be first. For as long as I can remember, music has been there to cheer me up. Not necessarily the lyrics (although sometimes) but more of the passion that comes through the sound just fills my body with joy. Listening to music will always be how I make myself feel better about something.

Things that other people can do to help - just talk to me about whatever's going on. Usually half way through the conversation I'll realize how silly it is and start to feel better and change the subject to something more positive. Hearing about other people's lives will also cause me to get excited (or at least forget about what's going on with me).

Crying is something else I do to make myself feel better. Some people think that crying isn't a good thing (and that I'm 'overreacting') but in reality it's the way I deal with things, let them release from my body. I generally feel better after a good cry. After that hard bawling, the tears slowly dry and the world is a little brighter. It's extremely therapeutic for me.

I Would Die Without...

1. Music
2. Mental stimulation via discussion
3. Passion - in myself and seeing it in other
4. Challenges

Music calms me down. Excites me. Connects me with others. Makes me cry. Soothes my emotions. Makes me not feel alone. Helps my soul.

Having discussions that broaden my horizons, teach me one more thing, challenge me on one idea, are what makes my world go 'round.

Speaks for itself. Without it I'm lost.

Constantly being challenged to become a better person and to make others better is what keeps me going some days. Why I do this or that. Why you do this or that. The more I understand about myself the more interesting it is to see how I function...and WHY.

That's all.

I’m a Hypocrite

I can’t quite remember when the jealousy started – if it was pre-cheated or post-cheated but somewhere it got a little ridiculous.

When I’m in a relationship – I’m selfish and don’t want Him to speak to any other girl.

It’s silly.

And completely irrational.

So now – the hypocritical beauty of this – I have tons of male friends. Some attractive. Some with similar interests. Some who are flirty. Etc. And I am not interested in any one of them. I would never want my significant other to worry just because we have a friendship and enjoy each other's company– and when I say He shouldn't worry - he should believe me wholeheartedly.

But for some reason I can’t stop thinking about a relationship inevitably forming between a boyfriend and any woman that he sees repeatedly.

Again silly. Irrational. Selfish. i know.

I may know why I do this. In the relationship that I was cheated on in – I still was jealous – but the one girl I actually wasn’t worried at all about was in fact that woman that he cheated on me with. Which potentially demonstrated that unless I worry about it – something will happen. All subconsciously of course.

I find myself worrying about those interactions far more than I should – which is a huge waste of my time. Although of course it’s easier said than done. After no interest in confirmed – that should (logically) be the end of any worry or wonder.

My fear isn’t of cheating anymore, thanks to a decent human being. But I do have this fear of two people getting closer and closer and finally ending the relationship with me so that they can be together. It’s a silly thing because if He finds someone that is better for him than I am – of course we should no longer be together. But damnit that’s a difficult idea to honestly be okay with.

I don’t want to be like this. It’s irritating. Pointless. But I don’t know how to stop. And I’m a hypocrite to make the situation even better.

My Thank You

Sometimes I read my own blog to inspire me to write more – looks like it worked this evening.

It’s difficult for me to share some of the things in this blog with people. I can have very insecure moments, and a lot of trust issues, and sometimes I think that those who will read this have ulterior motives. If I have personally sent you this link that means I trust you and believe that you are a good soul. Thank you for helping build that trust with me.

I don’t believe that there are many of you left in this world –and that really sucks. Maybe one day I will be corrected – but thus far I would say it’s 70/30 for bad/good people, if that. To me, bad means fake people…inconsiderate people…malicious people…immoral people…negative people…self-centered people…unreliable people…shitty people.

You are the good people I know – those with substance, passion, compassion, interests, and you take the time to see into my soul. Thank you. That means a lot to me that you would take the time to read about something completely unrelated to you – that’s rare.

Thank you Matt.

Thank you Sam.

Thank you JP.

Thank you Dominic.

Thank you Melissa.

Thank you Laurie.

Thank you Johnny.

Thank you Maranda.

You are the few. Thank you all for instilling my trust in you – it’s apparently extremely difficult to do :) - I'm working on it.

Discovered PostSecrets

Every Sunday a new set of secrets appears on the PostSecret Blog Website and every Sunday I save the secrets that somehow or another affected me. Some I relate to. Others I cry for. Frank Warren really created an amazing concept and I encourage you to investigate it for yourself. PostSecret is an ongoing community mail art project in which people mail their secrets anonymously on one side of a homemade postcard. I haven't submitted any secrets yet, but I'm working on one.

Please check out my new blog where I have posted some of my favorites...

I know who I’m going to marry

For the purpose of this post “marry” = spend the rest of my life with

Alright – now I may continue…

Yup – it’s decided – I’m going to marry Dominic Graziano.

Scary thought I know. The basics: I’m 22 years old. We met on August 25^th, 2004 (exactly 4 years ago). We have dated on and off (but mostly on) for those past 4 years. September 16^th is our made up “anniversary” date. Every moment we were not a couple there was something deep inside pulling us back into each other’s arms. He is my best friend.

I’ve always wondered how you’d just know – and be able to make that type of commitment. How if one (or even both) person changes whether or not the relationship will still work, still be as strong. And of course there is no way to know that for sure, but I’ll tell you what I’m damn sure of:

I know for a fact that every moment I meet someone else I immediately compare them to Dominic and analyze what I like and dislike about that person. Every single time Dominic comes out on top – without any significant challenge. That says something about this surreal human being.

I know for a fact that if Accenture surrounds me with a different type of person, if that then makes me a different person, and ultimately makes me think for even a second that Dominic is not the right person for me…that I will come back to him. I always have. He is the only person in this life who seems to truly understand and accept me. Of course there are millions of people I have not met (nor given a fair chance) but when I have the person who does that sitting right next to me, why on earth would I ever need to go somewhere else. Dominic has a combination of qualities that I have never see in someone else – or anywhere close. There’s an invaluable honesty and bluntness that is extremely hard to find in a friend – nor able to accept when hearing it from his/her lips.

Times like these I wish I was a better writer – as I am having difficulty accurately conveying the way I feel.

The moral of all of this is – damnit – Dominic, you and I will be together forever. We have to be. That’s just the way it is going to work out. We need each other. We compliment one another. We challenge each other. We inspire each other. We understand each other.

When no one understands our petty arguments. When no one understands why we fixate on certain things. When no one understands why we talk about everything. WE DO.

There is nothing in this world, that right now as a 22-year old woman living in Denver about to embark on her first career, that I could fathom would break us up. We are strong and passionate. And that’s all we need. And all I need to know.

I’m a WHAT?

College Graduate? What? Nah..That’s just for grown-ups/adults/big-kids and I am in no way that…

I’m 21 years old. Tonight was my last Deltasig meeting. Tomorrow is my last class. One week from today is my last final. And 1 ½ weeks from now I will be an official graduate of Colorado State University with a degree in Marketing and General Sociology. WTF.

I remember the last few years in Deltasig looking at the characteristics of these people who were graduating: Mature. Established. Inspirational. Confident. Knowledgeable. Old. Put-together. Casual attire at the last meeting.

I look at myself and do not see these similarities. The facts just don’t match up. All the words that describe a “college graduate” and a “21 year old” I cannot apply to myself. My brain just doesn’t know how to grasp this concept that I am now part of that group. I look in the mirror and I see the same woman I’ve seen for the last 6 years staring back at me. Not someone who has experienced so much in her life. I notice my vocabulary when I speak is far more sophisticated, when the hell did that happen? When did I establish a wardrobe that I have had for the past 4 years? My goodness—wtf.

Of course I’m excited about all this extreme life changing, but I don’t feel capable of internalizing this. Maybe it will come as I complete my last final. Or as I walk across the stage at graduation. Or when I move my stuff to Boulder or Denver. Or when classes start back up in the fall and I do not plan to attend them. Whenever it does happen I know that I will have no regrets about the amazing experiences I had thus far.

So- in the spirit of appreciating my experiences, I would like to list the 10 top experiences of my college career:

1. Laying in bed and bonding with Laura on cold snowy days in our dorm room
2. Going for hella-long walks with Dominic around campus expanding my soul
3. Becoming President of Delta Sigma Pi
4. Getting to know the amazing faculty at CSU
5. Staying up until 3am talking with the most amazing people I have ever met
6. Watching the full moon
7. Building a phenomenal 4-year-bond with Amy and Melissa
8. Watching the pledges at initiation as Jr. Pledge Educator
9. Crying with Monica at Formal
10. Hearing that I positively impacted Delta Sigma Pi

Each of these experiences surrounds building those connections with people and I will treasure them for all eternity.

So to you Mr. College, it’s been incredible but I am not sad to leave. Instead proud of my experiences and eager for the future. And.....I’m off.

Fuck (sorry Mom)

You know what I’m scared of..fuck….I’m scared of all THIS:

I’m scared to change my entire lifestyle. I'm scared to “test” Dominic and my relationship to that extent. I’m scared to live in an apartment in Denver. I’m scared to take the bus everyday to and from Denver. I’m scared to have responsibility. I’m scared to fill out serious paperwork for Accenture. I’m scared to endure that steep learning curve. I’m scared to come home to an empty house. I’m scared to fight with Dominic. I’m scared to fail. I’m scared that everything I expect may not be quite what it is. I’m scared to leave my currently “successful” life. I’m fucking terrified and clearly don’t know how to handle it.

Crying Is How You Know

So for the past four years I’ve been trying to figure out what ‘true love’ is and what phrases like ‘meant to be’ ‘perfect for each other’ ‘soul mates’ etc. Etc. ETC mean.

Well. I think I have a theory on what love is, and what true love is, and how you know you found that special person.

There’s something that happens to me when I think about the two person in my life that I honestly don’t know how I would live without…I cry at the thought of the possibility that one day they may not be here anymore. So indicator one…crying! But the good kind of cry. The kind of cry that comes from the depth of my inner most being and is unstoppable. In fact, if I was an actress I think that is the way I would be able to cry on cue..just think about the possibility of losing my mom or Dominic.

Now, how does one decipher what this ‘perfect for each other’ and ‘soul mates’ words mean. To me it has absolutely nothing to do with if we enjoy all the same things, think the same things, call each other at the exact same time, have the same major, have the same birthday (yup, some people I know really think this is an indicator of true compatibleness), or any other superficial bullshit that really doesn’t mean anything. I’ve decide that it’s about having common passions in life.

My passions are

1. Being mentally stimulated on a daily basis

2. Owning my actions and understanding why I do the things I do

3. Surrounding myself with music

4. Learning about life

5. Being real

The last one may be a tad confusing, so to me, that combines a few of the other passions I have and it takes knowing who I am and being okay with that. I’ve learned I do not have a “business-personality” and when I’m in an environment that challenges me to act that way, I am not being real. When I allow my real personality to come out, that is me being real. That genuine excitement, that sincerity, that Shannon.

Dominic is the closest to matching all of those passions that I have ever come across…far closer than anyone. So no we aren’t both business majors, our thoughts on money and lifestyle and ‘success’ are extremely different, we were brought up on almost opposite sides of the spectrum, I tolerate his music and he mine, I love chick flicks and he likes crappy movies, etc. Generally our thoughts on children, marriage, cities to live in, etc are similar, but in the end I believe that it’s about the bigger things, those passions that I mentioned that truly

But damnit I cry when I think about him. And that’s enough for me.

The other night he said something really real, he said that “it’s pointless thinking about if this is ‘as good as it gets’ because it implies that we’re settling. What’s important is that we’re both happy, so why would we ever wonder if there is something better.” I like that.

I don’t know where the future will take us. Or if I’ll have the pleasure of spending the rest of my life with him. Or if we’ll live happily ever after. But goodness gracious, I couldn’t ask for someone better to help guide me to become my true self.

I don’t know if you’ll ever read this Dominic, and it’s not like any of this is new to you, but every moment we share is so precious to me, and wherever life may take us…these memories will help guide me to the life that I deserve.

Seeking Passionate People

It’s 2:30am right now. I haven’t written in months. I write when I feel inspired.

Looks like I’m feeling inspired.

What will I write about? I used to write when I was having problems with my relationship, but there are no problems there, and if there were, I certainly wouldn’t be wasting my time writing when I could be talking to him.

Maybe I’d like to talk about the people I respect in this world…the few personalities out there that I do. That personality is: open-minded, considerate, passionate, insightful, interested to learn, reflective, confident…real. If someone is real, meaning they know who they are and have accepted that. I don’t give a shit if we disagree on subjects, but know why the hell you believe something before you go and waste everyone’s time preaching about it. Goodness I hate that. Be able to look at yourself from the outside and understand why you do something that way.

For example, I’ll own up to something right now: I have been cursed with migraines (certainly not as miserable as others have) and it completely destroys me every time I have one. It’s not that I can’t see straight that bothers me. It’s not that when the left side of my face goes numb the feeling is unbearable. It’s not that the throbbing pain cripples me. It is the fact that I have completely lost all control over my life for whichever period of time the migraine would like to take over for. I have a very controlling/dominant personality, so when I’m in an environment where I do not have a strong sense of control, I completely break down. The worst part is when I live my life feeling like I have this annoyance under control and it occurs again, it’s even worse than before. So—my point—I know that it is not the pain that bothers me about having the migraines, it is the lack of control over my life at that point in time. And THAT is the skill that I value in others, that ability to see what is going on deeper than surface level in the situation.

I appreciate people who have interests different than mine, I feel like we can bring new realizations to one another. I long for individuals who can begin a conversation beyond basic surface-level-bullshit in a matter of minutes. That is what life is all about, and I thank that handful of people in my life who have given that to me.

I would like to name some of those people who have provided me that feeling..and if you didn’t expect to be on my list know that you really did make an impact on me: Dominic G, Matt G, Dan W, Melissa S, Joe E, John G, Kristyn C, David P, Heike M, Amy D, Stephanie P, Levi L, Tommy M, Dan B, Mom, Dad, Laurie H, Lara C, Gretchen D, Alisha Z. I know I forgot some of you, and I truly apologize. But please come up to me, say “damnit Shannon, I thought we bonded that one time—and then I’d like to bond again and I promise 1. You will be added to this list and 2. I will never forget the impact you had on me again. My challenge to you—you better do it!

Alright—well my inspiration is slowly fading. I heard some amazing music tonight. I would die without music.