So I have gone through life with a certain level of confidence. A level that doesn’t exceed that of others, and yet a level that could, and should have, been a lot higher. In these last two weeks my confidence has finally reached the level that it deserves to be at. The level that I deserve to have. Now, why was my confidence ever that low? Its probably a combination of things, and for those of you who ACTUALLY know me and aren’t just randomly reading my blog, you know that I love to analyze others, and myself, so this is the best analysis I could come up with: Great childhood, great parents, great ‘friends’ in elementary school, alright ‘friends’ in middle school, horrible ‘friends’ in high school, and one phenomenal friend throughout everything. Now…we can all remember growing up, all the insecurities that comes with it, and imagine one day as a high school freshman (the peak of all insecurities) receiving a note from all your ‘friends’ telling you that they haven’t liked you for two years, and that you’re not a good person. Well sure enough, that happened to me. My ‘friends’ were horrible people that used me to make them feel better about themselves. I’ve convinced myself that after 6 or so years, I have forgiven them, but you know what, f*** that. Why should I allow anyone who would do something like that to me be part of my life? Doesn’t make sense when I have phenomenal people around me who have NEVER done something even remotely close to that. So there we go. The break of all confidence and trust in other people. Why do you think I’m a Sociology major? To understand those when they aren’t telling me the truth. Anyways, the crash and burn of my confidence happened that freshman year day.
I was part of the IB Program in high school…so I was constantly around 40 other people who were as smart as could be, and didn’t even have to work hard at it. I would go to class, take notes, record the classes, study for hours, and still getting a f-ing C on the test. Whereas my peers wouldn’t study, wouldn’t come to class, or if they were there they wouldn’t take notes, and they would get As on the test. The insecurities continue. Lots of nights thinking I wasn’t good enough, thinking that I would never be as ‘smart’ as these people around me, and unfortunately those 4 years of high school have created a complex I have about my intelligence. I hate it when people doubt how smart I am, because that is how it’s been my entire life.
But then I received my IB diploma and everything started to change.
I finally felt good enough, equal with my peers. It didn’t matter what our score was specifically, all that mattered was that I received the same recognition as every other person who I had compared myself to for so many years. I did it!
For the last two years in high school I had the same boyfriend. The typical ‘high school love’ and I honestly thought I was going to marry him. Stupid high schoolers I know. So, the ‘perfect’ relationship was quickly ended by him cheating on me. I went on my graduation trip to Mexico with 6 other girls, many of them having boyfriends, many of them cheating on their boyfriends, and here I was being faithful while he was cheating on me back in the States. I’ve forgiven him. Because of the relationship I have been in for the last three years I am able to look past those events because, it truly doesn’t matter anymore. I know I will never date him again, and my life is so much happier without him as that part of my life, so forgiven. But again, a lovely bust to the already shaky confidence. My insecurities about trusting people increased because here was another person in my life that I thought I knew and understood, that had completely screwed me over.
And then life started to rebuild itself, and I am still, thankfully, on this path. One of trust, commitment, honesty, communication, and no deception and cheating! Thank God! My best friend has helped me become comfortable with who I am. Be excited for me when my life goes down the right path. And she inspires me everyday. I love you Heike. My boyfriend of three years has helped me trust someone on an intimate level again. Know that if anything happens we will effectively communicate about it. He has changed my life. I love you Dominic.
So, two people that I have been blessed to have in my life. Who haven’t screwed me over like MANY of my friends from my past. They have helped me embrace who I am. Encourage me to fight for the things I want. And just be the person I am here to be. These two people inspire me and make me feel alive.
Now, what has happened in the last two weeks has changed my life. I am in a yearlong course PLP (President’s Leadership Program) that is a group of elite students who were picked from a group of 150 after a rigorous application and interview process. We meet to learn about ourselves, others, and this is the most incredible group of people I’ve ever been around in college. These students care about themselves, care about success, care about CSU, and are extremely active on campus. It’s a room full of RAs, organization leaders, and students who are very active in the community. They want to make a change, and to even be associated with such an amazing group made me feel extremely fortunate.
So, beginning of my amazing week: We had the Closing PLP Banquet where all the students from Years 1 through 3 attend (I am in Year 3), as well as all the Instructors, some Alumni, and representatives from businesses that sponsored the program. So this is a full room of people. Our instructor from this past year will be retiring at the end of the semester, and she has, also, completely changed my life. This class has given me so much insight into the world, and specifically into who I am. She has taken the time to meet with me, talk to me about life, and give me advice. In honor of her, the other two instructors created an award to give to one student from the Year 3 class. This award would carry on her name, and be given to one outstanding student each year. The way that student is chosen is by an application and nomination that his/her fellow students fill out and submits. From there, a board chooses the best student. The award is specifically titled: Barb Kistler Award for Ethical and Mindful Leadership. I received this award! The first recipient of the award. An award that was given to me above all my fellow students whom I admire more than anyone. Me! I basically bawled on stage. I couldn’t even handle it, just cried, and cried, and cried a little more. I felt so lucky, and so recognized. It was an amazing night.
Part two of my amazing week: I am part of a co-ed Professional Business Fraternity that I am very passionate about. This past semester I was Senior Vice President and I feel like I really grew throughout that experience, and wanted to continue that growth. So I ran for President, and won! I am the first female president in two years, one of the few who was elected who weren’t a graduating senior, or was previously VP of Pledge Education, which made the feeling even stronger. So there we go, I am now President of Delta Sigma Pi. Whew, I’m gonna rock it!
Part three of my amazing two weeks: I received Brother of the Year from an Alumni Brother in Delta Sigma Pi.
For the first time in my life, I actually feel truly recognized for my hard work. And that is an amazing feeling. I feel like I deserve this recognition. I feel fortunate for this. And I won’t mess it up!
This probably meant the most to me because this is exactly how I felt all summer. Yes, it was a great experience, but in the end this is EXACTLY how I felt at the end. "Meaningful" means very different things to different people, and to me, that meant I will not do retail and I will not put myself in an environment where I am working 'closing shifts' and hate going to work--and some days over the summer I didn't want to go there.
Sad.
I feel this one...sometimes one's time could be spent doing something more productive in my opinion.
And this is how I feel and hope every day.
